Ano ang basehan ng pagmamahal?

Kung iisipin, oo nga.. Ano nga ba? Base ba yun sa kung gano na kayo katagal? Sa kung ano ang mga pinagsamahan niyo? Sa mga simpleng bagay na nagpapasaya sayo galing sakanya? Saan nga ba?

Minsan kasi talaga, naffeel ko sakanya na.. Hindi ako ganon kaimportante sakanya. Pero diba nga, hindi porket yun ang nararamdaman mo eh yun na ang totoo? Pwedeng nag-aassume ka lang, pwedeng yun lang talaga ang set ng pag-iisip mo. Walang kasiguraduhan. 

Nagtataka lang ako. Alam ko naman na mahal ako ng tao pero naffeel ko to. Sino ba ang may mali? Siya na may pagkukulang o ako na masyadong umaasa ng malaki galing sakanya? Ang set kasi ng pag-iisip ko, kung pano ako magmahal, yun na yung pinaka standard nun. Kumbaga dun ako bumabase. Feeling ko ganon ang tama para mapakita mo na mahal mo yung isang tao.

Saan nga ba talaga binabase yon? Alam ko na hindi yun sa standards ko. Hindi yun sa mga bagay na kaya kong ibigay sakanya kasi hindi naman pare-pareho ang pag-iisip ng mga tao, diba? Hindi porket ganto ako magpakita ng pagmamahal eh dapat ganon din siya. Hindi yun ganon. 

Siguro nga, magkaiba kami ng way ng pagpapakita non. Siguro para sakanya, sapat na lahat ng ginagawa niya para mapakita niya sakin na mahal din niya ako. At ang way para maging okay ako, is syempre.. Tanggapin yon. Hindi ako dapat umaasa ng malaki at maging kuntento sa kung pano niya pinapakita na mahal niya ako. Yun lang naman yun, diba? :). 

Naging masyadong malaki ang expectations ko sakanya. Hindi ko naman sinasadya lahat yon eh. Sabi nga nila kaya mo lang naman naiisip yon kasi willing ka gumawa ng ganong kalaking bagay para sakanya. Pero ayun, kelangan ko tumigil na mag-expect masyado. Kasi sa huli, ako't ako lang din yung masasaktan samin. :). 

Sabi nga ni mommy, wag ako magexpect. Just go with it. Para pag may mga bagay siyang ginawa para sayo, icoconsider mo yon as the bonus part. :). 

Oo, kailangan ko matutunan yon. Mahal ko siya. Kaya ibaba ko ang expectations ko para lang maging okay to. Hindi man ganon kadali, pero para sa relasyon naming to, gagawin ko. 

Anniversary Date. ❤

Can't believe that we still managed to get at this point. Well of course after everything that we've been through, an anniversary is not 100% sure. Hahaha. But I thank God for giving us the chance to celebrate it with our hearts not thinking about all the trouble we had. 

We had this original plan to celebrate our anniversary at EK. We've (especially me) been talking about this plan ever since. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. I know his parents have reasons. So we decided to just eat at yakimix on the night of our anniversary. I guess it's not that bad. It turned out pretty well actually. :). 

The plan that day, he should be at gt an hour after his class. But again, that didn't happen. Why? It's because I was still working on his freaking scrapbook, my gift for him. Gahhh, it's been a week but all I finished was everything inside. The making of the scrapbook was on the day itself! Hahahaha. Way to go, Janeeva. So he waited at school for almost 2 hours then finally head his way to GT. 

I quick bath(ed?) and all. Funny, after all my effort of double timing everything, he still saw me prep. Hahaha. Then off to yakimix!

It was kinda storming that night that's why all we wore was sweaters/hoodies. I was planning to wear a dress but again, didn't freaking happen. 

So yeah, yakimix! We were really excited but I assumed he was more excited because he didn't eat the whole day! Hahaha. That was really something for my baby because he's used to eating every eating hour (what a term). Then, off to the buffet table! We just ate, ate, ate and ate till our stomach's awfully full. It came to the point where not even one of us's talking. That's how hungry we were. :))). 

After we got our desserts and exchanged gifts. He was the first one to gave his gift for me. It was a cute pink teddybear and a 3-paged letter. I was happy of course because I've been looking forward to it. Then I gave him mine. It was supposed to be a surprise but again, didn't happen. Gahhhh, this post should be titled "Didn't happen" Hahaha. Anyway, it was not a surprise anymore because he saw it earlier when we were waiting at the elevator at GT. Gahh, failed. Haha. Even so, I think he liked it. :). 

About that scrapbook, I put almost (I repeat, almost.) all of our best memories there. Well at least for me. I made that so that when things get complicated, I want him to look through that scrapbook so that he'll remember how important we are for each other. :). 

Then we head home. 

I guess that's it. I was really happy and I hope he was, too. Though things didn't really happen the way we planned it.. At the end of the day, I realized that we don't need a fancy carnival date or a lovely overnight bonding time to feel that we really did celebrate it, as long as we're together.. I could not wish for anything else on our anniversary day. :).

 

So, yeah.

Ang gulo na ngayon. Haha. Parang nawawala talaga ako. I honestly don't know kung dapat pa ba to pagptuloy o itigil na. :). Pero ngayon, kung tatanongin ako.. I want him by my side. Kahit may mga times na nahihirapan ako, hinhaunt ako ng past, at naffeel ko na nababalewala ako paminsan, go lang. Wala naman kasing perpektong relasyon. Masyado na kami maraming piangdaanan para ilet go pa to. Part lang naman to lahat at challenge lang to. Malay mo, maging super okay pa. To the point na confident na ako ulit. Pero kung hindi man dadating yun, hindi ko naman pwede ipilit. Instead, I'll just go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens.