Monday Feelings

Monday. We unexpectedly had a major talk. Wala naman talaga sa plano. 

So ayun.. May pinarinig kasi akong kanta sakanya, "Di na ganon" by Yeng. Sabi ko sakanya naiyak ako nung narinig ko. Which was very true. Hindi ko alam, parang in a way.. All of the lyrics just struck. 

Then while he's listening to it, I saw him cry. As ing may luhang pumatak talaga so nagulat ako. Then ayun, nagassume na siya na "di na ganon". Sa side ko naman, di ko kasi talaga alam. Kasi yung feeling ko talaga either way, masakit. 

Then we started talking. Unexpected talaga tong major talk na to. Sinabi ko sakanya yung mga bagay na nararamdaman ko. Sinabi ko sakanya na "Oo, pinagbigyan naman na kita pero nakakainis kasi hanggang ngayon.. Hindi ko parin makalimutan." Sinabi ko sakanya na tingin ko talaga hindi ako yung tipong babae na dapat maloko ng ganon. :/

Then siya naman ang nagsalita. Issum up ko malamg, sinabi niya na naiintindihan daw niya ako. He even asked me if I wanted some time for myself. Natuwa ako kasi nirespeto niya yung side ko. Pero one thing na nakita ko habang sinasabi niya yun.. He was really hurting bad. His tears won't stop. Tuloy tuloy lang habang sinasabi sakin ang mga bagay bagay. 

"Kahit iwan mo ko, oo masakit, pero kung doon ka magiging masaya, magiging masaya ako para sayo. Yun ang importante, ang maging masaya ka."

Hindi ko na alam yung exact words but I'm pretty sure na yan talaga yung point niya and ayun.. Thank you for understanding me. Sobrang respeto ang nakuha ko sayo dahil sa mga pinakita mo  ngayon. :) Ayaw naman daw niya kasi na magstay ako sakanya, pero siya yung nagccause ng suffer ko. Ayaw niya yung fact na siya pa magbibigay nun sakin. 

"San ka ba mas magiging masaya?"

Both ways, mahirap para sakin. Sobra. Pag umalis ako, masakit. Pag nagstay, masakit parin. Hindi naman daw ako pwede sa gitna so tinanong niya ako kung saan ba ako magiging mas masaya in long-term? I told him..

"I'm sure na pag umalis ako, magiging masaya rin ako after. Sure yon. At pag nagstay ako, wala kasiguraduhan kung ano mangyayari."

Something like that. Then he suddebly kissed me. I honestly don't know why. As ing wala talaga akong ideya. Anong meron doon sa sinabi ko na nakapagpapush sakanya na ikiss ako? Diba? Haha. But that kiss somehow ended our conve.. And at the end of the day, we decided to just be strong for each other. 

Things became complicated but we still managed to be alright at the end of the day. Thank you, God. :)

Why does love have to fade?

I just don't get it. Is it hard to stay inlove with the person you love? Cause for me, it's not. I have been through a lot.. But yet here I am.. Still inlove with him. But I guess for him, it's just not that easy. 

I just feel sometimes that his love for me fades in a way that I feel it. Shorter messages, not too much attention, and I feel like he's okay when he doesn't get to see me throughout a week. What kills me is that he doesn't have any idea of all these things. 

Things that will make you happy.. I would do that in a heartbeat baby. But I guess you have a different point of view. :( 

Sign

I just decided na gumawa ng sign. Kasi ngayon talaga, wala akong nakikitang "forever" saming dalawa. Feeling ko, after ilang months and so lang, wala na kami. That's why gagawa ako ng parang sign. Hmm. 

Pag okay parin kami (okay as ing, masaya na ako ulit, wala nang past na nababalik sakin, at kahit papano masasabi at makikita ko galing sakanya yung effort talaga) bago matapos ang taon na to, then I will believe kahit onte na may forever parin. Na posible pa siya. 

So ayun lang. Heehee. Byebye. 

I SMILE

I SMILE (newer ver) ❤ changed it a little. Haha.

Composed by.. Me. :)

We were fine at the start of the road

All I believed was that you loved me in every way

I was happy though sometimes I cry

But at the end of the day, I still smile

All your mistakes, I forgive

But this one came 

My feelings start to change

But do I have a choice?

Do I have a choice?

If I leave, my heart will break into a million pieces

But if I stay, I feel the same

The pain never goes away

And someday it might replay

It hurts, yes it hurts.. but I SMILE

We're on the road but I lose sight 

Sometimes I'm on track, sometimes I'm not

I was confused though sometimes I nod

But at the end of the day, I still smile

All your mistakes, I forgive

But this one came 

My feelings start to change

But do I have a choice?

Do I have a choice?

If I leave, my heart will break into a million pieces

But if I stay, I feel the same

The pain never goes away

And someday it might replay

It hurts, yes it hurts but I SMILE

All your mistakes, I forgive

And this one came 

But my feelings quite remain 

Do I have a choice?

If I leave, my heart will break into a million pieces

But if I stay, maybe someday you'll change

This love never goes away

And someday it will be okay

It will, yes it will.. So I SMILE

Made this a few weeks ago. One of the best so far.. For me. For me lang! Haha. ❤ Right now, we're okay. I'm getting there. :)

Fact

Hello. Goodmorning! (Kahit hapon na). Right now, I know he's still waiting for me to wake up. Hi baby! I'm awake since the time you woke up. Hahaha. I'm just slacking off here on bed for a while (yeah, 2 hours is "a while"). 

Anyway, I re-read almost all of my posts here. I gotta admit, those old posts are better. I'm just a one happy go lucky girl. Hahaha. ❤ 

But then I realized, we have really gone through a lot. Well to be honest, wala pa sa kalahati ng kalahati ng kalahati ang mga nakalagay dito compared sa lahat ng mga nangyari. We had our ups downs and it doesn't end here. We will have a lot more of that in the future. Haha. Hmmm. I also realized that....

I REALLY DO LOVE YOU, MING. 

That's all I know. I don't care if we really feel the same way, it actually doesn't matter for now. All I know is that I love you so much. Things were pretty harsh these past few weeks but you know what, I stay in love with you. It's like I just accept and accept those bad things but at the end of the day, I still love you with all my heart. It doesn't change even a little bit.

There are times I say that "I wanna give up." but you wanna know a secret? I never whole-heartedly mean any of that though how hurt I was. It was just 40% or less meant. Hahahaha. I just wanna show you that I'm strong and I can live without you but the truth is I CAN'T. I can't live with the fact knowing you're not  around. Of course, I can pretend... But in that case, I would live pretending my whole life. 

Maybe I just say all these things because of the fact that I really love you. But hey, as long as it's still alive, I will believe in this fact. :) Hahaha. That's all. Gonna pm you in a few. :*

What if, gahhh I hate what ifs. Hahaha.

Hey. Since I can't open this to him.. I'll just open it here.

Well, right now we're totally fine. No one's opening up about you know. I'm actually a little proud of myself for not being too dramatic about the whole issue these days compared before. But if I'm really gonna be honest with myself and my feelings... I'm still scared.

Scared of what can happen in the future. We might be okay now but what if all those cruel things happen again? Like what if his attention got stolen by another girl again? What if all those painful things from before happen again in a blink of an eye and all of these good times will be put to waste again? I know I shouldn't be thinking of the future because we're not even there yet but I guess I'm just too scared to lose him again. Honestly, I almost did before. I didn't force him to come back that time but what if next time, he doesn't come back?

I may be strong on the outside, but deep inside I'm very...... Frightened.

Give up.. Or try harder?

And something mad happened again.

It hurts. Of course, it does. Will not mention exactly what happened because just by typing it here, I will burst to tears again. I know.

Right now, well we're fine. We're not breaking up or something. But God, please tell me.. Is this the right thing? Is this what you want me to do? I'm badly hurt right now because I honestly didn't expect any of these along the way. Infatuation, that I can handle. It passed already, got used to it. But facts kept coming and It's over the line already. It's something that not every girl would want. Ever.

But God.. I still chose to stay even if it hurts like hell. I feel so stupid and pathetic loving him. Is this still worth it, God? If this relationship continues, will I still be happy in the end? Cause if not, please let my feelings go. If this relationship will not be right after all, I want You to reset my feelings and open my heart to someone who truly deserves it.

Give up.. Or try harder?

I wanna give up because of the fact that those cruel things happened. Just by thinking that it HAPPENED.. My mind tells me that "you've had enough"

But what holds me back on giving up is the foundation that we built. It's still here in my heart, all of it. How he got me, how I fell inlove with him and how he made me happy. Those things.. I can't throw it all away just like that. I simply can't.

Right now.. I honestly don't know what's the right thing to do. A part of me tells me to let go, the other part tells me to hold on cause it's still worth it.

I'm lost.

I can do this

Okay.. So I'm crying like right now.

Everytime I think about it.. It still KILLS me. I can't believe that after all we've been through, he still liked someone rather than me. Yes, I know he chose me over her and I can already see that but.. It still fucking hurts knowing the fact that his heart (those times) was still open for another person. It just.. Hurts so bad.

The worst part is, I don't have someone to talk to about what's going on in my head. *sigh* I know it will just complicate things.

It's so freakin hard to recover. But I can do this.

Fighting~