Maybe, just maybe

Last night, we talked over the phone. I could really say that somehow.. We're past the storm already. We're moving on. I was surprised by how he handled my random "us" topic again. Haha. It's as if he was back on his feet again.. That old "him" ❤

"Hindi ako aasa PERO yun ang gusto ko mangyari."
"Hindi ako magppromise PERO gagawin ko."

Yeah, in that way maybe it will be less hurtful when a storm comes again. One thing I realized, I was in very deep depression before because I EXPECTED TOO MUCH. But if this will be the arrangement.. Maybe, just maybe.. It won't be that painful anymore.

Where do I stand with you?

Just.. Where?

When she gives up

When she gives up on you, it's gonna be obvious.

1) She will not try to catch your attention
2) She will not fight for you anymore
3) She won't reply to your message as quickly anymore
4) She won't try to keep the conversation going anymore
5) She will not care anymore
6) She no longer gets jealous
7) She will flirt and talk to other guys
8) She no longer care if you care or not anymore
9) She no longer goes to your profile and whine about how happy you are, talking to other girls
10) She will give up on trying to make you love her because she finally realizes that she deserves better

And you will miss her. Miss the way she cared for you. Miss the way she loved you. And you have lost her.

Well, I guess it's just gonna be obvious because when a girl loves, she shows it with all her heart.

18 things I hate about you

I hate the way you look at me,
I hate it when you stare

I hate the way I tell you stuff,
I hate it when you pay no attention

I hate it when you don’t have time for me
And the way you let it be

I hate the way you show your feelings,
I hate it when I feel unloved

I hate how insensitive you are at times,
And the way you don’t notice it

I hate it when you do what you always do,
I hate the way I say “okay” even if it’s totally untrue

I hate it when I tell you how I feel,
And the way you read my mind

I hate it when you tell stories,
And the way it makes me laugh

I hate the way you make me wait,
I hate it when you don’t come back

I hate it when we don’t talk
And the fact that you’re cool with it

I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you are always right,
I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you say you miss me
And the way you don’t do anything about it

I hate the way you say you love me
I hate it when I sometimes doubt it

I hate it when you’re not around,
And the fact that you didn’t call

I hate the way I hate mostly everything you do
And the fact that I’m still madly in love with you

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close..
not even a little bit..
not even at all.

Revised. Got this from my best friend, Maine. Looks like we feel the same way.

And her mind wanders (Credits to Maine)

It’s almost four and she is still awake.. wide awake.

It is not unusual for her anymore since she is more of an evening person. Her mind functions very well at night. Well let us not relate school stuff here, okay? She wants to write, that’s it. Write about anything. She wants to let her feelings and thoughts out of her chaotic mind. It’s about the random little things she has been bottling inside. Everything that is going through her head that are kept for a period of time. It is full of beautiful yet awful thoughts and illusions, bothering her every single night.

She wants to share it, but she can’t. No matter how much she wants to free her mind from her unwanted thoughts, she tends to keep it all to herself. Everything’s occurring suddenly in her mind. Without a notice, her mind wanders. Whether she like it or not, it is going on through a lot.. and it happens all the time. Sometimes it makes her happy, most of the time it makes her sad. It’s like ‘so happy one second, incredibly depressed the next’. And that depression is slowly eating her up. She can’t do anything about it, except close her eyes and pretend like everything is just in her mind. But it’s not, it is already happening. And that’s what scares her; the fact that she might not be able to keep up because a single thought may just simply take over her being and change everything.

La Virginia, Batangas

Yaaaay. Halos kauuwi ko lang galing sa Batangas. Unexpectedly kasi, sinama ako ng family niya dun. Thank you talaga, God! Sinabi palang sakin ni tita na "Gusto mo sumama?" di ko napigilan sarili ko. Napatili talaga ako ng wala sa oras. Hahaha.

Anyway, our stay there was great! Although NAPAKA-INIT, masaya parin kasi wala eh.. La Virginia eh. Haha. La lang, idol ko yung place na yon kasi nung unang beses ako nakarating dun, super nag-enjoy talaga ako. :)

1st day.

Sinundo na nila ako dito sa dorm ng umaga tapos deretso na kaming Batangas. Tumigil pa kami sa isang bahay ng kamag-anak nila. Nag ice cream. Nyahaha. Tapos pumunta nang LV. Yehey, ganon parin yung itsura niya pero ngayon may castle na. Ganda nung castle infernes. Haha. Ayun, punta muna sa room tapos.. NAG-LIBOT LIBOT kahit sobrang init. Picture picture. Nagpapasalamat talaga ako sa pamilyang to kasi feel ko na tanggap talaga nila ako as girlfriens niya. Kumbaga, welcome sa family nila. :)

Tapos balik sa room.. Tulog for ilang hours. Yay. Ako pa nga raw pasimunp sabi ni Tita. Hahaha. Tas ayun, pagkagising.. SWIMMING TIME NA! Yaaay! Dun kami nag swimming sa Infinity pool. Tinry namin lumipat lipat pero sa Infinity pool parin ang bagsak namin at.. Ayun, nagkatamaran na run. After swimming, kain! Lamon! Tapos ligo na rin isa-isa. Naeexcite ako pagkatapos maligo kasi niyaya ko siya lumabas at mag-ikot ikot saglit. At ayun, Thank God natuloy kami.

Sa labas, may plano na ako agad. Kanina ko pa kasi talaga minamataan yung mataas na tree house kaya doon ko rin talaga agad siya dinala. Mwahaha. Nung una, ayaw niya talaga hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Natatakot ata. Haha. Joke, baka raw kasi sarado na. Eh ano naman!? YOLO, fre. Kaya ayun, tumaas parin kami sa pinakatuktok. Ang saya saya ko kasi wala lang, ang taas dun tapos ang lamig lamig pa. Brrrr.

Then we got sweet all of a sudden. We talked about us. Basta cheesy! Hahaha. Hanggang sa umabot sa point na ayun.. Sa totoo lang hindi talaga makapaniwala na nangyari yon. Grrr, kisses. Pero wala eh, ganon talaga. At habang ganon, I keep on telling him "Wag mo akong iiwan ha?" Tapos palagi niyang sasabihin "Bakit mo ba tinatanong yan?" Hmm. Hindi ko rin talaga alam eh. Siguro andoon parin kasi talaga yung takot ko na baka bigla ka nalang umalis. Yung tipong akala ko ok tayo, hindi naman pala. Katulad nung nangyari satin dati. Iiwan mo na naman ako for stupid reasons. No. Hindi na kasi talaga kakayanin neto *turo sa puso* kapag may nangyari na namang ganon eh. Hindi na talaga. I don't know why I keep on thinking future problems. Wala pa nga eh, nilalagay ko na agad. Excited lang? Hahaha. Anyway ayun, I just want to know where I really stand with you.

After we talked about random things. Like me imagining flying lanterns again. Tapos sinabi niya, sa kasal daw namin achuchu. Medyo nagtaka ako kasi akala ko ba ayaw na muna niya isipin mga ganon tapos ayun, pati yung pagtravel na sinasabi ko sakanyang gusto ko noon, sabi niya sakin.. Gusto niya yung siya lang. Hehe. That day. That was one of the proofs that he's really turning to someone I don't know. Pero nung gabing yon, in a way, parang binawi niya. Yung sa Tangled na new dream something. Hindi ko na masyado maalala. Pero ayun, I really hope that you changed back your mind, baby. :)

Then off to hotel again and watched HIMYM. Gahhhh, really missed watching that. After, natulog na rin kami lahat. :)

2nd day.

It was fun, too! Medyo late na kami nagising eh kaya late na rin nakapagswimming. Hindi kami nagswimming dalawa at tumambay tambay nalang kung nasan sila. Picture picture din tapos hotel na ulit para maligo. Wala naglaro lang ako sa tab ng kapatid niya. Then ligo time narin. Pinauna ko na siya sakin para sure na maliligo siya. Hindi kasi talaga ako maliligo pag di siya naligo. Ayun, but masunuring bata naman. After naming maligo lahat, more pictures sa labas! Tapos.. ZIP LINE naaaaa! Yay! Akala ko talaga di na matutuloy yun. Hahaha. First round: with his sister, second round: with him. :)

After Zip Line, bumyahe na rin kami pabalik dito sa Manila. Tumigil pa kaming Mang Inasal para kumain. Medyo badtrip nga eh kasi nabigla yung tiyan ko kaya di masyadong masaya kain ko. Hahaha. Sayang. Pero oks lang yun. Tapos after kumain, hinatid na rin nila ako dito sa dorm. Gahhhh. Super nag-enjoy talaga ako, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Well that's how my La Virginia trip with his fam went. I'm really thankful to his parents for accepting me as their son's girlfriend. And of course to his sister and little brother, too. :) I am really lucky to meet such nice people. Their family might not have everything but there's one thing that makes them perfect.. And that is they love each other so much. :)

Hope to have more and more and more and more memories with them. :)

I wanna go back

Tapos na ako gumawa ng project ngayon. Pero hindi parin ako natutulog. Wala lang. Kung anu-ano na naman pinaggagagawa ko sa internet ngayon. Tas instalk ko siya. I saw our past pictures.. Tas bigla nalang ako naluha. Haha. Medyo emo eh noh? Pero wala eh, gustong gusto ko talaga bumalik sa mga panahong yun. Yung wala pa akong inaalala, ang alam ko lang inlove na inlove pa siya sakin. Ngayon kasi, parang hindi na eh. May nawala kasi talaga. Okay, umiiyak na naman ako ngayon. Haaay. Wala lang, namimiss ko lang talaga yung mga days na yon. Yung mga days na super confident lang ako. :(

God, ang hirap magmove on. Gusto ko man bumalik sa noon, may nawala na talaga eh. Ang hirap hirap ibalik. :( Ginagawa niya best niya.. Pero bakit ganon, natatakot parin ako sa mga bagay na pwedeng mangyari? Mali to eh, na iniisip ko agad yung future eh wala pa nga. Pero God.. Kung may isa man akong bagay na hihilingin sainyo ngayon.. Yun ay mabalik yung CONFIDENCE ko sakanya. Ngayon, wala siyang alam na ganto nararamdaman ko. Ayoko na rin sabihin eh, baka isipin na naman nun na nagbabalik ako o what. Pero ayun.. Ang hirap hirap ng ganto. Yung gantong may natitira paring mga doubts sa utak ko. :( Bakit ba kasi hindi nalang sila maglaho para wala nalang problema. Hindi ko alam, natatakot talaga ako eh. Kasi.. Ayun nga.. Sinabi rin niya sakin nung 2011, 2012 na never niya ako iiwan pero naranasan ko parin sakanya yung halfway palabas na siya sa relationship na to..

I wanna ask you SO many things ming. Marami akong katanungan sayo. Pero sa tingin ko kailangan ko mafound out yung mga sagot indirectly. It will always show naman sa actions mo.

I wanna go back to that time where everything's still alright. (_ _). I REALLY DO.

Goodnight. Matutulog na siguro ako. :)

:)

Asdfghjkl. Ang sayaaaaa. Noon nag-eemo ako pag antagal di magreply ni ming. Pero ngayon, feeling ko sanay na sanay na ako. \:D/. Parang wala nalang. Haha. Weeeee. Buti nalang ganto na, para di nalang ako mag-emo o what. Hahahaha. Okay lang yun, marami talagang bagay ang sumasakop ng atensyon niya eh. Tsaka di naman kailangan ako palage. Palibhasa girlfriend? Hahaha.

Pero ayun, ok na ako.. ngayon ko lang narealize. Di na ako yung tipong masyado siyang hinahanap pag nawawala siya. Sino ba naman ako diba? I'm just his girlfriend. Mas ok parin syempre na sarili muna niya unahin niya. Siguro kailangan ko nalang din matuto na maging busy rin para di ko siya ganon naiisip. Para di ko siya ganon hinahanap. :)

Yun. Napadaan lang! Ang dami pang kailangan gawin ngayooooon. Bye bye! :)

^HAHAHAHAHA. I had to edit this post again. Okaaaaay, I lied.. Hindi pa pala ako ganon ka-okay about dun. Pero andon na ako sa nasasanay part. Andon na ako. Andon na talaga ako. :)

Weird mo, Janeeva Verceles.

My illusion of Forever..

Noon, ang dali dali lang isipin. Na kami na talaga sa huli. Tipong sobrang thankful talaga ako kasi nakahanap na ako ng taong takot mawala ako. Pero dahil sa mga nangyari samin.. Parang nahihirapan na ako isipin ulit yun. Feeling ko anytime, pwede na naman magkagulo. Feeling ko anytime, manghihina na naman ang isa samin. Feeling ko anytime, iiwan niya ako ulit.

He keeps on saying na hindi naman niya gagawin yun. Pero kung iisipin.. Diba, yun din naman ang sinabi niya sakin noon? Walang iwanan kahit anong mangyari. Walang bibitaw. Pero anong nangyari? He still left me. Bumabawi man siya ngayon, yung fact na nagawa niya yon noon, feeling ko anytime.. Pwede ulit mangyari.

Hindi ko na naffeel na takot siyang mawala ako. Sa tingin ko pag lumayo ako, hahayaan nalang niya ako. Walang pigil pigil na magaganap. Let it be, ganon. Nalulungkot lang talaga ako.. Di na ba talaga ako ganon ka worth para sakanya di tulad noon? Meron ba akong mga ugali na napairal ko at naayawan niya kaya siya ganyan? Hindi ko talaga alam. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari.

Maybe.. In a way, he already fell out of love. Kung tutuusin.. Di naman niya talaga ako iiwan in the first place kung mahal niya talaga ako. He will stay NO MATTER WHAT. That's true love. Pero wala eh, nangyari na. Bumalik naman na siya ngayon at nagiging okay na ulit. Pero naiinis ako sa fact na it happened. Nakakalungkot kasi despite sa lahat ng nangyari samin, nagawa niya parin yon.

Okay naman na eh, okay na. Everything's falling to place again. Siguro hindi pa lang ako ganon katapang enough para iaccept yung fact na nangyari na. Masyado kasi ako siguro nagtiwala na hindi niya kaya na wala ako sakanya where in fact, mukang kaya naman niya. :)

Alam ko namang mahal niya ako eh at syempre, mahal ko rin siya. Hindi lang talaga siguro talo yung nararamdaman naming dalawa. Maybe masyado akong seryoso, masyado akong nageexpect, masyado akong nagassume na kami na talaga hanggang dulo. Minsan, naiisip ko.. Sana mawala yung masyado akong may pake. Sana mapantayan ko rin yung nararamdaman niya para di nalang ako madaling masaktan. :) Kasi pag gantong mas nagmamahal ka, ang hirap hirap din pala. Sana isang beses pag gising ko, mawalan naman ako ng pake sa lahat ng bagay kahit onti lang.

Sa ngayon, my illusion of that Forever is not with me anymore. Feeling ko after 5 years and so, wala na ang Ming na akala ko dati.. Sobrang magtatagal. One thing I learned, there really are no perfect relationships at walang instant happy ending. You need to experience all this bullshit first before truly understanding your feelings. Pero khng tatanungin ako.. I really want to go back at that time na confident pa ako samin. Ang sarap kaya sa feeling na ganong may taong ayaw ka mawala. :)

But then again, hindi ko pwedeng ipilit ang mga bagay bagay. Kung talagang medyo nauntog na siya na di pa pala ako yung babaeng para sakanya, wala naman akong magagawa dun. Ang hirap nga noh, mahirap nga yung 1st and last concept sa relationships. Yun talaga ang gusto kong mangyari pero parang di na pala ganon kadali yon. May mga bagay kasi na kahit gano mo kagusto, kung ayaw naman sayo wala ka talagang magagawa don. Kahit gano mo pa kamahal, di parin yun excemption para mahalin ka rin niya ng buong buo. :)

Sa ngayon mahal niya ako, mahal ko siya. Sadyang may mga bagay lang na nawala ever since nagkaproblema. At isa yun sa illusion ko na forever na talaga kami. Pwede namang oo, pero ngayon.. Pwede na ring hindi. :) Rero kung papapiliin ako.. Syempre gusto ko kami na talaga hanggang kadulu-duluhan. I'll be always willing naman.. Always.

Baby, I swear this time I mean it.

Sorry. Sa lahat ming. You can't blame me na ganto na ako ngayon. Paranoid nalang palagi sa lahat ng bagay. Sorry kung hindi ko napipigilan sarili ko paminsan.

Pero dahil sa mga nangyari kagabi, isang bagay lang ang narealize ko..

HINDI KO DAPAT MASYADONG PINAGKAKATIWALAAN FEELINGS KO. LALO NA KUNG WALANG WALA NAMAN TALAGA AKONG PROWEBA.

Sobrang lame lang nung act ko kagabi na sabihin pa sayo yon. Eh kung tutuusin, wala ka naman talagang ginawa. Nagtweet ka lang naman eh. Ano bang masama dun. Pero ako tong ang dami dami agad iniisip. Kung pwede ko lang sabihin sayo yung side ko ming. Yung side na nakikita ko parin yung tweets niya. Yun kasi ang bawal na bawal ko sabihin sayo. Pero wag ka mag-alala, inunfollow ko na rin siya last night. Actually fnfollow ko lang siya kasi nakalimutan kong inunfollow. :).

So ayun. Sorry ming. Kasi hindi talo yung ginawa mo sa naging reaksyon ko. At THANK YOU kasi kahit hindi mo naiintindihan talaga, iniintindi mo parin ako. Inintindi mo lang. Thank you dun, ming. I will try my VERY best para hindi na ako maging ganto, baby. Gusto ko na ulit magtiwala sayo kung alam mo lang. Andun naman na kasi ako ming eh, tayo. Pero anong ginagawa ko diba? Sorry dun.

That's all. And lastly, SORRY.. AND ILOVEYOUVERYMUCH MING. ❤