You said move on, where do I go?

I know that I said that "I'm getting there" but it really really sucks that I could still find myself being affected of what happened.. Effin 9 months ago. 9 MONTHS!!!

I know there's this time that one should be very emotional when the one you love treated you bad. Especially when the factors why and how he did it is still around. I think that is very normal. But on my situation.. Why do I still find myself holding on to the past? Why?

All of the "factors" are gone. They are not classmates, they don't talk anymore (I know and I'm 100% sure), he's trying his best each day just to prove how much he loves me. That girl even has another guy now! 

At this point, I should not be thinking about it already. I could see things have changed and I even keep talking about that here. 

But why do I still see myself afraid of what could go wrong? I want to seize every moment with him. I want to just be happy and make the most out of this relationship. But how could I do that if I still can't let go of the past? 

Bipolar

Yep, that's me. I hate how bipolar I am. Sometimes I'm happy then one second after, I'm sad. Like seriously, what's the problem with me? 

It's hard being a bipolar person. You don't really know what to feel and when you feel something.. Why you feel it. I'm the type of person who can easily change feelings.. No, not feelings. Emotions. I'm happy when I could feel that he's there for me and all it's like "he have changed. I really love him." kind of stuff. But then when he's not around.. I'm like "he doesn't love me. He doesn't want to talk to me." and suddenly I feel alone. 

Wth, Janeeva. Pull yourself together! When he's not around (bec. he's playing as usual), don't conclude that he's not there for you. He's just doing his own thing you paranoid freak. You could even see it with your own eyes, right? "nigooxd IN GAME" 

Maybe I need him to give more time to me. Since, you know, I'm going through something. But that just won't happen because of his "busy" time (coughs*playing*coughs) and his strict parents. 

Ugh, hate how bipolar I am when it comes to him. Really really hate it. 

I'm getting there

Today, I could actually say that I'm okay now. Sa totoo lang, matagal na ata pero ngayon ko lang napansin. Kung yung topic na yun lang din ang pag-uusapan, wala na sakin yun. I mean sa side niya, I know walang walang walang wala na yun. I'm not making myself feel better or what, I just know. Marami na rin akong proofs. Maraming marami na. And I'm really proud of him kasi this time around, totoo na siya sa mga sinasabi niya sakin.

If there are things that make me sad every once in a while, yun nalang siguro yung fact na hindi siya palagi free para sakin. Yung fact na wala pa sakanya yung pagbigay sakin ng oras. Tanggap ko naman na yun eh. At alam kong wala naman may gusto samin nun. Sadyang ganto lang talaga sa ngayon.

But he keeps on telling me that someday, babawi siya sakin. Once na magkaroon na siya ng trabaho at free na siya sa parents niya, I believe na magiging mas okay pa tong relationship na to. :) I really thank God for always giving me the strength and the faith.

Akala ko, eto na yung tipong yung sobrang hirap magmove on.. as ing years. He loves me too much to make me suffer from all those past. He does everything just to prove that I'm the one. Hindi man naging madali para saming dalawa, ako na nanunumbat at siya na ppressure na masyado sakin, we never gave up. 

Keep loving me.. I'm getting there, Ming.

I promise

There will come a time that I'll just forget everything. 

I'll accept, move on and trust you wholeheartedly again.

Just like what you keep on telling me.

I'm sorry if I can't do that today, nor tomorrow, nor the next days. 

It may be a long time. 

I can't really say when. 

But I know that someday, I'll just forget all the pain and the lies. 

Everything that hurt.

So keep loving me, show me that you care, don't get tired of me.

Because I believe that one day, everything will turn around. 

And I will smile again. 

I promise. 

Cheat, big word

I just want to share some of my thoughts about "cheating". I have experienced it and as everyone says, it is really indeed hard. Yes, it truly is. It can change a person's perspective way more than you can imagine it. I believe that in a relationship, nothing is more painful than being cheated on.. NOTHING.

It's been 7 months since then.. But i gotta admit, it still hurts like hell. Tears still fall just by remembering it. The bad thing about it is that no matter what your partner do just to get your trust back.. it is naturally hard. 

What hurts on being cheated the most is when you think about the memories back when you were still okay. It feels like everything's put to waste. You would just think "If he really loved me, he wouldn't have the guts to look for another one. He would have stayed with you, no matter who you've become."

It's not really about who or how he did it, it's about WHY he did it. You will always wonder.. and I believe that's what makes it harder. 

I accepted him though it was very hard for me. Why? Because he showed me that I am truly who he wants to be with. He even sacrificed so many things just to prove that to me. In those times, I was really in the edge of giving up but he was there to pull me back up. 

I believe that the one that is meant for us is going to be the hardest to get, the hardest to keep and the hardest to accept because through all that, the love will grow stronger.

I admit, loving someone who have hurt you the most is not easy because you will always have this kind of hatred that you feel will never be gone, even by time. But you just gotta believe that everything will be back to normal and never forget the faith you have invested in your partner. For it goes a long way.. a very long way. I accepted him again not just because I love him, it's also because we both know that we have something really special that we know we'll regret if we just throw it all away. We just know.

You hear a song

"Maybe one day I'll just let it all go

Let every shade of my true colors show

Keep loving me and I'll lose all control

Eventually...

Never wanna be, never wanna be that girl

With a million needs, who keeps running your world

Boy, do you lie, when you say I look good tonight.

I see a mess in the mirror,

But you see the girl of your dreams

I see the dark clouds rolling in,

But you see the sky I can't see

I hear this melody coming out all wrong

But you hear a song, you hear a song

They keep talking,

All the ghost from the past

Heart broken,

Can't get over it fast

Just give it up, stays around,

And it never leaves.

I see a mess in the mirror,

But you see the girl of your dreams

I see the dark clouds rolling in,

But you see the sky I can't see

I hear this melody coming out all wrong

But you hear a song, you hear a song

A one note symphony... Baby come on

And sing it back to me.

I see a mess in the mirror,

But you see the girl of your dreams

I see the dark clouds rolling in,

But you see the sky I can't see

I hear this melody coming out all wrong

It sounds like the chaos I hear in my head

All night long, but you hear a song,

You hear a song [3x]"

Positive heart

Magkasama kami kahapon. Hindi na kami tumuloy sakanila. Nakakatuwa lang kasi yung nga topic namin ngayon puro bout samin. What surprised me, siya yung mas hype samin for some reason. 

Una napag-usapan namin kung ano ba siya sa relationship. Aminado naman siya na hindi raw talaga siya magaling pagdating dun. Pag gantong serious na't stable na. Medyo magulo din to eh, nung nilalagawan naman niya ako, he knows what to do. Pero nung kami na, parang he needs to be guided. 

So okay, then I'll do it for him. I told him that I would give him like 300 a week then bale yun na yung ambag ko whenever lalabas kami. Kung sobra man, itatabi namin. Kung kulang, then siya na bahala magdagdag. Haha. 300 lang eh noh medyo kulang yun pero sya na bahala. Lol. Onting tulong lang. Ayoko kasi ng siya lang eh kasi wala naman siyang work or what to provide that much for me. 

So ayun, I told him "Ayan ha, tinuturuan na kita mag make ng decisions sa mga gantong bagay para marunong ka na sa next girlfriend mo. :)" Honestly, may ouch feeling nung sinabi ko yun. Natawa lang siya't sinabi sakin na "Ano ka ba, ikaw lang naman next and last girlfriend ko."

We were walking and walking. Nakakatuwa kasi he always kiss me on the forehead every now and then. Ganon naman siya palagi, lol. Pero may naiba kanina, he kissed me sa lips.. And yes, in public. Super ayoko ng ganon honestly. Galit ako sa mga taong pda. I want his kiss.. Oo. Pero wag lang talaga sa public. Tas nakakatawa kasi sa sidewalk kami naglalakad nun tapos everytime mapapadaan kami sa likod ng poste, he would kiss me. Yes, sa lips. Natatawa lang ako kasi hindi talaga ako sanay nagkkiss kami sa public. But yes, nobody saw us that time. He was indeed sure about that at tingin ko rin naman. Haha. ❤

Anyway, we stopped somewhere to get a drink. Uhaw na uhaw na kasi ako. Ay wait onga pala, he was bringing my bag the whole time! Ngayon lang ata yun kasi ayoko talagang nagpapabuhat ng bag kahit sinasabi niya na siya na. Eh ayoko talaga. Naiirita kasi ako sa mga babaeng nagpapadala ng bag nila sa mga boyfriend nila eh pouch size lang naman ang putek.. Masabi lang? Haha! Anyway, pinadala ko lang sakanya yun just because mabigat talaga siya at hindi ko na kaya. 

Ayun, as I was saying we stopped somewhere to get a drink. He bought this banana ramma which we really loved eer since. Then napakwentuhan na naman kami. Katawa yung set up eh may candle pa so medyo bagay sa moment. Lol. Anyway, I asked him random things like "Ming, pag nagkapamilya ka na in the future, what kind of dad kaya ikaw tingin mo?" He told me he would be a cool dad. Sinabi ko sakanya na siguro ako rin, cool mom. Pero he doubted it because mothers just don't think that way when it comes to thier children. Haha. Oo nga naman. 

Sinabi ko rin na grabe, kung iisipin ang tagal pa nun. Ang dami pang pwedeng mangyari. Pero eto na naman siyang si tangge. "Sobrang bilis nalang ng panahon ngayon ming. Naalala mo ba nung napagusapan natin na mag-iibang bansa ka pagkapagrad ka na? Oh tingnan mo, halos andun na tayo ngayon. :)" Sabagay, minsan ang panahon di mo napapansin na lumilipas na. Di ko man sinabi sakanya, I hope and pray na okay parin kami when that time comes. 

And we talked and talked and talked. And I suddenly asked him (dami kong tinatanong badtrip)  "Ming, naisip mo ba minsan na what if makakita tayo ng someone na mas better satin? Of course there would always be someone betters diba? Wala lang, hindi mo ba naiisip yun paminsan?" I honestly don't know what's gotten into my mind to ask that question. Siguro, curious lang talaga ako. 

"Oo naman, there will always be someone better ming. Pero merong bagay na wala sakanila at meron sayo. At yun yung friendship that we made. Yung memories, yung mga napagdaanan natin, lahat lahat. Bakit pag nakakita ba ako eh kikilalanin ko pa sila ng matagal gaya ng ginawa ko sayo?"

Something like that. Actually, almost the same. Haha. Anyway, napangiti naman ako dun. Natuwa lang ako kasi posituve talaga tong mag-isip si ming compared sakin. Ako ang nega ko kasi. I thank God kasi siya, hindi ganon. Pinaglalaban niya pa na hindi talaga mawawala tong samin just because of those things. 

He really doesn't know kung ano minsan yung napapafeel niya sakin. Yung mga nega. Pero wala eh, dahil talagang positive siya mag-isip in a way, parang feeling ko kailangan ko na rin mag-isip ng ganon. In a way. 

So ayun, then umuwi na kami. It was really fun. I thank God for what hapoened today. And mostly, I thank God for always giving him.. A positive heart. That would really help a lot in this relationship. I just know. :). 

Type of guy

He's the type of guy who won't do every effort just to be with you.

He's the type of guy who won't look for you when you're not around.

He's the type of guy who won't give you gifts and buy you stuff. 

He's the type of guy who's not proud of what he has.

He's the type of guy who kills his time on other things instead of you.

He's the type of guy who breaks promises.

He's the type of guy who makes you doubt sometimes.

He's the type of guy who doesn't remember the little things.

He's the type of guy who does all that.

But I'm the type of girl who'll accept that type because she have learned to love that type no matter how painful sometimes.

And she's the type of girl who will always believe that someday.. he will realize everything and will love her even more.

So I won't forget.

"You gotta let yourself trust me again ming. If we're gonna stay forever, we gotta build up trust again baby. I'm doing my best to regain it. Pero sayo parin naasalalay yan ming. You gotta let me catch you and dapat mag tiwala ka sakin na di na kita bibitawan ule. Aniyo. I know its hard. Pero, i'll prove everything na deserve ko ang trust mo at hndi na mauulit ule lahat. Pero ikaw lang ming.. ikaw lang ang makakafree sa sarili mo sa curse na yan.

Acceptance, moving on, and trust are the keys ming. :). 

I'll love you the best way I can ming, until you don't feel scared anymore ming.

Hndi ganun kadali or kabilis.

Makukuha din natin yan ule lahat ming.

As time passes by, maeerase din lahat. :). 

I'm sorry ming.

Pero siguro, its the path we need to take para maging fully okay na tayo ule. :). 

Don't worry baby. I'm here now.. and I won't leave anymore. Not ever again.

We just gottaa accept it. Then forget it afterwards.

Just let things flow smoothly. Wag na ibalik ang past.

Yun lang naman ang key ming eh. 

Tandaan mo lang lahat ng mga sinabi ko ming. Panghawakan mo lahat yun.

And keep them with you always."

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that it'll all be okay. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. Say it enough that one day you'll actually believe it. Remind yourself that things have changed, it changed for a reason, people change for a reason. You just have to let go and move on. It's going to be hard and you're going to feel lonely but just hold on.  Cause who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life? 

Not always

She will not always be there to forgive you every time you make her feel that she's not worth the truth.

When you keep lying to her, eventually she'll realize that you're not a guy worth keeping anymore.

She hope not.. but surely, that day will come.

Do remember that she'll keep fighting for you no matter what.

She have been through worst anyway.

But if you keep up with that, you'll lose her as if you intended to do so.

Don't worry, she'll not beg nor try to please you to be with her because when that day comes..

She have realized that she deserves a lot more.

Fears

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi kahit okay na kami, palagi ako naghahanap ng away. Alam mo yun? Lahat na ng bagay kinonek ko sa mga nangyari noon. Halimabawa, hindi siya nagrereply, iniisip ko agad may kausap na siyang iba o what. Pag hindi siya nakakapagtext sakin tuwing free time niya sa school, iniisip ko may kasama siyang iba.

Alam mo yun, lahat na kinonek ko sa pambababae. Lalo na kay .... Alam mo yung feeling na hanggang ngayon, halatang di ko parin nakakalimutan yung nangyari noon. Yung feeling na baka gawin o ginagawa na naman niya. Parang palagi nalang ganon takbo ng isip ko. Syempre, epekto to ng nangyari noon. Gusto ko to mawala sakin, pero ang hirap makalimot.

Pinapakita ko palagi sakanya na matapang ako. Kung nakikipaglandian siya sa iba, sinasabi ko sakanya na iwan nalang niya ako. Wala na akong pake eh. Pero sa totoo lang, may pake ako. Ayoko nang mangyari ulit lahat. Pero alam mo yung binubuksan ko nalang sarili ko sa realidad na baka maulit ulit.. para hindi na masakit.

Pero natatakot ako. Takot na takot. Kasi what if mangyari o nangyayari na ulit ngayon?

Matapang ako. Yun ang pinapakita ko sakanya. Pero umaasa parin ako na wala na talaga. At kami na talaga. Gusto ko nalang maging masayang masaya ulit tulad noon.



I'm just showing him that I'm strong now.. but in reality, I'm not. I'm so afraid to get hurt again.

Everything has a reason.

I'm glad everything's working out again. Yes, fights are still there but today.. I can say that I'm not confused anymore. I've been cheated on, lied to and left by the person I love the most. All of that happened and it was the hardest road I passed through this journey. It was the most hurtful thing in the world. 

But today, I realised that I'm okay now. The past is the only one that haunts me every once in a while. But that's just it and I need to overcome that. I've been looking for a reason. "Why did all of this has to happen?" But then God gave me the answer. 

He did all of this so that as early as our 1st year of being together, we'll be able to realise how we really love each other. People may enter between our relationship.. But at the end of the day, we still chose to be together cause that's how strong our love is. 

"What happened in the past shall stay there."

I hurt myself by recalling the past. I admit that It's a habit of mine but no, I can't live this way everyday. I need to let go of the things that I can't change. It's been done and I can never ever change that fact no matter I do, right? The past.. It cannot be controlled nor replaced. All I need to do is accept it. 

He have done wrong, he admitted his mistakes, but he managed to pull me back to where we first started. 

I think it's time to be happy again. 

Are you for real this time around?

My mind always wonder. It may forget but it's always only for a little while. It's not about all the bad times, no. It's about the present, on how things flow today. 

Do they still talk? Does their eyes sparkle everytime they see each other? Do they like each other but on a very in denial matter? Am I not the only one to love? I always wonder. 

It's hard to deal with what happened. The worst part.. It's already the past and obviously, no one could change that. No matter how much you wanted to. 

The pain, it's all gone.. But the scars will always remain. 

And that, I cannot force to let go. I guess I needed more time. 

I won't ever know what's really going through your mind right now. But I really hope that all your words, your actions, and your promises are real this time around. 

Well appreciated

Lately, my mind's akdhslla. I know what it wants, but there's something that keeps bothering it. No.. Not something.. Someone. 

I know I shouldn't feel this way. It's because of many factors actually. But this is how I felt. I couldn't get it off my head. 

I was okay. My eyes and my heart only lies within one person, one special person. But then, last friday night came. We were at 7th high, partying as always. I gotta admit, I got a litle drunk. Well, maybe I consumed a lot of alchohol though I was not aware. Haha. My body's uncontrollable. I know what's happening and what I'm saying but my body.. It just won't work with me. 

The feels are not new. I've been tipsy before. But this time around, there was someone there for me. Funny thing, I'm not irritated or what. Instead, I appreciated him. He's always right behind me, figuratively and literally. I can feel he watches my every move, my every attempt on getting another shot (That's the prob with me, when I got drunk, I crave for more). He's there. And I can feel his sincere concern for me. I admired him for being so respectful to me. He didn't do anything (touch me, kiss me or something like that) to me even though he knows I'm drunk. I salute him for that. When we finally got home, he even bought my meds for my allergies before he took off from Kamille's room. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't love or like him. I have a boyfriend and I love that guy very much. It's just that.. With that another guy, I just felt something that seems.. real. What I mean is on his side, his feelings for me.. and I appreciate that. 

Every night

Every night is a different feeling. Sometimes I doubt, sometimes I don't. It seems like my own feelings play with me. It doesn't give this consistent feeling of security.

I guess I'm starting to get tired of not knowing where I really stand with him. He  does everything to make me feel special.. But sadly, pure words. No actions. He's not even planning to see me this week. *sighs* If I was on his place, I would really do anything just to see me since I'm just a fx away. Hahaha. But no, he's not that kind of boyfriend. Well, it's okay. If that's how he shows his love then I will accept it. :)

I just want something that would slap me on the face saying "He really loves you with all your heart and you have to aee that." That kind of thing. Hahaha. Anyway, should be going. :)

Too long

"Rejection isn't what makes me back off, it is the pure sight of your happiness without me, as to mean I am no longer needed."

No matter how to whom I open up my feelings, I know that no one will ever understand. They will never understand the pain I'm going through right now. They will never see how hurt I am from all the lies and misunderstandings. From everything. 

We were once very happy. No fights, no arguments. We used to be so glad because we know we have each other.. Through all the ups and downs. Problems, big or small, we just overcome it with a smile. No big deal, no drama. 

But right now, things have changed. And I'm really sure it does. I always find myself shedding tears that he'll never see. I don't talk too much to my friends or family about this because deep in my heart.. I still believe that it'll be okay. 

 It's so hard to love someone when you don't know your worth. It's sad when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought you were. That feeling when you look at him, and it seems he's okay without you. It seems you're just a part of his life.. Just a part, nothing special. 

....

I wanna be with him forever, no other girl will ever love him as much as I do. I loved him because he once showed me how much he loves me. He once made me feel how to love and to be loved. 

But I'm crying right now. It's not because I'm weak.. It just means I've been strong for too long. 

Really sweet.

I really find it sweet when guys are very much proud of their girlfriends. ❤ Yung tipong pagtingin mo sa facebook, instagram, twitter nila, hindi pwedeng walang post about sa girlfriend nila. Lalo na yung mga tipong magpopost ng picture ng gf nila para lang sabihin na "Iloveyou" or "imissyou" or kahit anong sweet legit words. ❤ 

Sa part naming mga babae kasi, sobrang sweet talaga ng ganon. :). Yung tipong, he's really proud to have you. He shouts to the world na "I love this girl so much" Yung ganon ba. Haha. 

I salute those kind of guys. :). 

*sighs*

I wish one day, someone will be really really really proud to have me. ❤ 

For when she remembers

Months have gone by

She's happy for it's now fading

All the pain is now a bad memory

She's finally moving on

She keeps on fighting every single day

For she knows that one day, it'll be worth it

Some things she kept to herself

For she doesn't want to complicate things again

But a single thing happens almost everyday

She remembers, she recalls 

Even when she knows she shouldn't

And this makes her feel stupid everytime

He's sorry, he admitted his mistakes

But that doesn't mean the past doesn't kill you

Things are falling back to place

But that doesn't mean it will be perfect again

For when she remembers, she's full of hatred

A hatred that will never be gone, even by time 

Just a thought

"Ming~"

"Waeyo ming? :O."

"Iloveyou~ <3."

*Sighs* I miss his random "iloveyous". Doesn't happen nowadays. Actually, I can't remember the last time he did it.

I'm trying to be strong. Every single day.. Hoping everything will be back the way it was. 

If I only knew then, what I know now. (a week late post)

Una sa lahat, this is my fault. Ako ang naghanap ng problema. Ako ang naghanap ng gulo. Hindi ko naman sinasadya eh. Sadyang chineck ko lang facebook niya. Tas ayun, nakita ko yung conve niya with a girl noon. Alam ko naman talagang nagkasomething sila noon eh. Alam ko yun. :). Pero nagtiwala ako sakanya. Kasi alam kong wala naman siyang agawin about dun. Hindi niya ifflirt, or kahit ano. Kumbaga, no big deal. :D. 

But I was wrong. Medyo nagkasomething pala talaga sila noon. The way he talks to her, may laman talaga eh. And yes, masakit sakin yun. Naisip ko lang na ang unfair niya. Kasi ako, simula dumating siya sa buhay ko, I closed my heart. Kasi siya lang eh, at totoo yon. Siya lang naman talaga. But it seems hindi kami talo. Hindi pa sarado ang puso niya para sa isang babaeng katulad ko. 

If I only knew then, what I know now.. Hindi ko muna talaga siya sana sinagot. Sana naghintay pa ako, sana tiningnan ko muna kung sino siya at ano ba talaga yung nararamdaman niya. :). I said "Yes" because I love him, more than anything in this world. Pero siya. Sana naging sigurado muna siya. :). 

But yeah, we're okay. Again, kasalanan ko to. Wala siyang kasalanan dito. Ako ang naghanap ng problema. Ako ang naghanap ng gulo. ^___^. 

Who said love is easy? It was in the beginning, it started out from the initial attraction that made everything come together. Then we tried to understand each other, the more we get closer, the more we start to wonder. We're exposed to a different person's world, their habits, their thinking and a whole new perspective of life. When its too different from our world, that's extremely hard, not easy at all. To be honest, I don't think things will work out fine, it won't go the way you want, because we can't just change our principle, our vision and our value that we're raised up with so easily. Both of you will fight, quarrel to the extend you'd want to rip each others' head off, you'd want to make things right, the way you'd want it to be, but it won't. One of you had to make the change, a sacrifice, toleration and patience, when the other won't. At this point, I can't say things are good for you, I know how much you will suffer and frankly, now I can't see my own happy ending that I thought I would have when we started out..   

We didn't change, our love didn't either, we just saw a part of each other's world that we couldn't understand. 

I love you, but it hurts so bad..
x

If you're not the one.

VERY NICE SONG. ❤❤❤

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of me as your wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Songwriter(s):Daniel Bedingfield

If that ever happens

If one day, all of a sudden, magfall nalang siya with another girl.. I-lelet go ko na siya. Oo, alam kong sobrang magiging mahirap yun sa una pero bakit ka nga ba magsstay sa taong hindi ka na mahal, diba? Or pwedeng mahal, yun nga lang may kahati ka. Sobrang unfair ng ganon. :). 

If mangyare man talaga yon, hindi lang talaga siya yung guy na para sakin. Kapag ganon, alam kong meron pang someone na makakakita ng worth ng isang babaeng katulad ko. Aaminin ko, medyo mahirap ako mahalin. Lalo na pag mahal na mahal ko yung tao. Napaka sensitive at bipolar ko. Mahirap talaga. XD 

Pero I know na may isang tao dyan na makakaappreciate lahat ng yon. I just know. Hindi ko alam kung nameet ko na ba siya o hindi pa, pero alam kong may isang tao na magmamahal sakin ng buong buo.  And I thank You God for that guy. :). 

Mind set

My sister told me, 

"You told me that right now, you feel that goodbye is just around the corner, right? I realized, you feel that way because you've already set your mind to feel that way. That's why every good thing he does for you, you seem not to appreciate it anymore. But you know what, try changing your mind set.. then maybe things would still work out."

I don't know, but those words were so powerful to me. Because of what she said, I realized that yes.. it's because I've already set my mind to whatever I'm feeling right now. I always tell myself that the end is near, I always tell myself that he doesn't really care anymore, I always tell myself that his love for me's already fading.

But what if I try thinking the exact opposite of it? Would things still be.. alright?

Ano ang basehan ng pagmamahal?

Kung iisipin, oo nga.. Ano nga ba? Base ba yun sa kung gano na kayo katagal? Sa kung ano ang mga pinagsamahan niyo? Sa mga simpleng bagay na nagpapasaya sayo galing sakanya? Saan nga ba?

Minsan kasi talaga, naffeel ko sakanya na.. Hindi ako ganon kaimportante sakanya. Pero diba nga, hindi porket yun ang nararamdaman mo eh yun na ang totoo? Pwedeng nag-aassume ka lang, pwedeng yun lang talaga ang set ng pag-iisip mo. Walang kasiguraduhan. 

Nagtataka lang ako. Alam ko naman na mahal ako ng tao pero naffeel ko to. Sino ba ang may mali? Siya na may pagkukulang o ako na masyadong umaasa ng malaki galing sakanya? Ang set kasi ng pag-iisip ko, kung pano ako magmahal, yun na yung pinaka standard nun. Kumbaga dun ako bumabase. Feeling ko ganon ang tama para mapakita mo na mahal mo yung isang tao.

Saan nga ba talaga binabase yon? Alam ko na hindi yun sa standards ko. Hindi yun sa mga bagay na kaya kong ibigay sakanya kasi hindi naman pare-pareho ang pag-iisip ng mga tao, diba? Hindi porket ganto ako magpakita ng pagmamahal eh dapat ganon din siya. Hindi yun ganon. 

Siguro nga, magkaiba kami ng way ng pagpapakita non. Siguro para sakanya, sapat na lahat ng ginagawa niya para mapakita niya sakin na mahal din niya ako. At ang way para maging okay ako, is syempre.. Tanggapin yon. Hindi ako dapat umaasa ng malaki at maging kuntento sa kung pano niya pinapakita na mahal niya ako. Yun lang naman yun, diba? :). 

Naging masyadong malaki ang expectations ko sakanya. Hindi ko naman sinasadya lahat yon eh. Sabi nga nila kaya mo lang naman naiisip yon kasi willing ka gumawa ng ganong kalaking bagay para sakanya. Pero ayun, kelangan ko tumigil na mag-expect masyado. Kasi sa huli, ako't ako lang din yung masasaktan samin. :). 

Sabi nga ni mommy, wag ako magexpect. Just go with it. Para pag may mga bagay siyang ginawa para sayo, icoconsider mo yon as the bonus part. :). 

Oo, kailangan ko matutunan yon. Mahal ko siya. Kaya ibaba ko ang expectations ko para lang maging okay to. Hindi man ganon kadali, pero para sa relasyon naming to, gagawin ko. 

Anniversary Date. ❤

Can't believe that we still managed to get at this point. Well of course after everything that we've been through, an anniversary is not 100% sure. Hahaha. But I thank God for giving us the chance to celebrate it with our hearts not thinking about all the trouble we had. 

We had this original plan to celebrate our anniversary at EK. We've (especially me) been talking about this plan ever since. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. I know his parents have reasons. So we decided to just eat at yakimix on the night of our anniversary. I guess it's not that bad. It turned out pretty well actually. :). 

The plan that day, he should be at gt an hour after his class. But again, that didn't happen. Why? It's because I was still working on his freaking scrapbook, my gift for him. Gahhh, it's been a week but all I finished was everything inside. The making of the scrapbook was on the day itself! Hahahaha. Way to go, Janeeva. So he waited at school for almost 2 hours then finally head his way to GT. 

I quick bath(ed?) and all. Funny, after all my effort of double timing everything, he still saw me prep. Hahaha. Then off to yakimix!

It was kinda storming that night that's why all we wore was sweaters/hoodies. I was planning to wear a dress but again, didn't freaking happen. 

So yeah, yakimix! We were really excited but I assumed he was more excited because he didn't eat the whole day! Hahaha. That was really something for my baby because he's used to eating every eating hour (what a term). Then, off to the buffet table! We just ate, ate, ate and ate till our stomach's awfully full. It came to the point where not even one of us's talking. That's how hungry we were. :))). 

After we got our desserts and exchanged gifts. He was the first one to gave his gift for me. It was a cute pink teddybear and a 3-paged letter. I was happy of course because I've been looking forward to it. Then I gave him mine. It was supposed to be a surprise but again, didn't happen. Gahhhh, this post should be titled "Didn't happen" Hahaha. Anyway, it was not a surprise anymore because he saw it earlier when we were waiting at the elevator at GT. Gahh, failed. Haha. Even so, I think he liked it. :). 

About that scrapbook, I put almost (I repeat, almost.) all of our best memories there. Well at least for me. I made that so that when things get complicated, I want him to look through that scrapbook so that he'll remember how important we are for each other. :). 

Then we head home. 

I guess that's it. I was really happy and I hope he was, too. Though things didn't really happen the way we planned it.. At the end of the day, I realized that we don't need a fancy carnival date or a lovely overnight bonding time to feel that we really did celebrate it, as long as we're together.. I could not wish for anything else on our anniversary day. :).

 

So, yeah.

Ang gulo na ngayon. Haha. Parang nawawala talaga ako. I honestly don't know kung dapat pa ba to pagptuloy o itigil na. :). Pero ngayon, kung tatanongin ako.. I want him by my side. Kahit may mga times na nahihirapan ako, hinhaunt ako ng past, at naffeel ko na nababalewala ako paminsan, go lang. Wala naman kasing perpektong relasyon. Masyado na kami maraming piangdaanan para ilet go pa to. Part lang naman to lahat at challenge lang to. Malay mo, maging super okay pa. To the point na confident na ako ulit. Pero kung hindi man dadating yun, hindi ko naman pwede ipilit. Instead, I'll just go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens.

Monday Feelings

Monday. We unexpectedly had a major talk. Wala naman talaga sa plano. 

So ayun.. May pinarinig kasi akong kanta sakanya, "Di na ganon" by Yeng. Sabi ko sakanya naiyak ako nung narinig ko. Which was very true. Hindi ko alam, parang in a way.. All of the lyrics just struck. 

Then while he's listening to it, I saw him cry. As ing may luhang pumatak talaga so nagulat ako. Then ayun, nagassume na siya na "di na ganon". Sa side ko naman, di ko kasi talaga alam. Kasi yung feeling ko talaga either way, masakit. 

Then we started talking. Unexpected talaga tong major talk na to. Sinabi ko sakanya yung mga bagay na nararamdaman ko. Sinabi ko sakanya na "Oo, pinagbigyan naman na kita pero nakakainis kasi hanggang ngayon.. Hindi ko parin makalimutan." Sinabi ko sakanya na tingin ko talaga hindi ako yung tipong babae na dapat maloko ng ganon. :/

Then siya naman ang nagsalita. Issum up ko malamg, sinabi niya na naiintindihan daw niya ako. He even asked me if I wanted some time for myself. Natuwa ako kasi nirespeto niya yung side ko. Pero one thing na nakita ko habang sinasabi niya yun.. He was really hurting bad. His tears won't stop. Tuloy tuloy lang habang sinasabi sakin ang mga bagay bagay. 

"Kahit iwan mo ko, oo masakit, pero kung doon ka magiging masaya, magiging masaya ako para sayo. Yun ang importante, ang maging masaya ka."

Hindi ko na alam yung exact words but I'm pretty sure na yan talaga yung point niya and ayun.. Thank you for understanding me. Sobrang respeto ang nakuha ko sayo dahil sa mga pinakita mo  ngayon. :) Ayaw naman daw niya kasi na magstay ako sakanya, pero siya yung nagccause ng suffer ko. Ayaw niya yung fact na siya pa magbibigay nun sakin. 

"San ka ba mas magiging masaya?"

Both ways, mahirap para sakin. Sobra. Pag umalis ako, masakit. Pag nagstay, masakit parin. Hindi naman daw ako pwede sa gitna so tinanong niya ako kung saan ba ako magiging mas masaya in long-term? I told him..

"I'm sure na pag umalis ako, magiging masaya rin ako after. Sure yon. At pag nagstay ako, wala kasiguraduhan kung ano mangyayari."

Something like that. Then he suddebly kissed me. I honestly don't know why. As ing wala talaga akong ideya. Anong meron doon sa sinabi ko na nakapagpapush sakanya na ikiss ako? Diba? Haha. But that kiss somehow ended our conve.. And at the end of the day, we decided to just be strong for each other. 

Things became complicated but we still managed to be alright at the end of the day. Thank you, God. :)

Why does love have to fade?

I just don't get it. Is it hard to stay inlove with the person you love? Cause for me, it's not. I have been through a lot.. But yet here I am.. Still inlove with him. But I guess for him, it's just not that easy. 

I just feel sometimes that his love for me fades in a way that I feel it. Shorter messages, not too much attention, and I feel like he's okay when he doesn't get to see me throughout a week. What kills me is that he doesn't have any idea of all these things. 

Things that will make you happy.. I would do that in a heartbeat baby. But I guess you have a different point of view. :( 

Sign

I just decided na gumawa ng sign. Kasi ngayon talaga, wala akong nakikitang "forever" saming dalawa. Feeling ko, after ilang months and so lang, wala na kami. That's why gagawa ako ng parang sign. Hmm. 

Pag okay parin kami (okay as ing, masaya na ako ulit, wala nang past na nababalik sakin, at kahit papano masasabi at makikita ko galing sakanya yung effort talaga) bago matapos ang taon na to, then I will believe kahit onte na may forever parin. Na posible pa siya. 

So ayun lang. Heehee. Byebye. 

I SMILE

I SMILE (newer ver) ❤ changed it a little. Haha.

Composed by.. Me. :)

We were fine at the start of the road

All I believed was that you loved me in every way

I was happy though sometimes I cry

But at the end of the day, I still smile

All your mistakes, I forgive

But this one came 

My feelings start to change

But do I have a choice?

Do I have a choice?

If I leave, my heart will break into a million pieces

But if I stay, I feel the same

The pain never goes away

And someday it might replay

It hurts, yes it hurts.. but I SMILE

We're on the road but I lose sight 

Sometimes I'm on track, sometimes I'm not

I was confused though sometimes I nod

But at the end of the day, I still smile

All your mistakes, I forgive

But this one came 

My feelings start to change

But do I have a choice?

Do I have a choice?

If I leave, my heart will break into a million pieces

But if I stay, I feel the same

The pain never goes away

And someday it might replay

It hurts, yes it hurts but I SMILE

All your mistakes, I forgive

And this one came 

But my feelings quite remain 

Do I have a choice?

If I leave, my heart will break into a million pieces

But if I stay, maybe someday you'll change

This love never goes away

And someday it will be okay

It will, yes it will.. So I SMILE

Made this a few weeks ago. One of the best so far.. For me. For me lang! Haha. ❤ Right now, we're okay. I'm getting there. :)

Fact

Hello. Goodmorning! (Kahit hapon na). Right now, I know he's still waiting for me to wake up. Hi baby! I'm awake since the time you woke up. Hahaha. I'm just slacking off here on bed for a while (yeah, 2 hours is "a while"). 

Anyway, I re-read almost all of my posts here. I gotta admit, those old posts are better. I'm just a one happy go lucky girl. Hahaha. ❤ 

But then I realized, we have really gone through a lot. Well to be honest, wala pa sa kalahati ng kalahati ng kalahati ang mga nakalagay dito compared sa lahat ng mga nangyari. We had our ups downs and it doesn't end here. We will have a lot more of that in the future. Haha. Hmmm. I also realized that....

I REALLY DO LOVE YOU, MING. 

That's all I know. I don't care if we really feel the same way, it actually doesn't matter for now. All I know is that I love you so much. Things were pretty harsh these past few weeks but you know what, I stay in love with you. It's like I just accept and accept those bad things but at the end of the day, I still love you with all my heart. It doesn't change even a little bit.

There are times I say that "I wanna give up." but you wanna know a secret? I never whole-heartedly mean any of that though how hurt I was. It was just 40% or less meant. Hahahaha. I just wanna show you that I'm strong and I can live without you but the truth is I CAN'T. I can't live with the fact knowing you're not  around. Of course, I can pretend... But in that case, I would live pretending my whole life. 

Maybe I just say all these things because of the fact that I really love you. But hey, as long as it's still alive, I will believe in this fact. :) Hahaha. That's all. Gonna pm you in a few. :*

What if, gahhh I hate what ifs. Hahaha.

Hey. Since I can't open this to him.. I'll just open it here.

Well, right now we're totally fine. No one's opening up about you know. I'm actually a little proud of myself for not being too dramatic about the whole issue these days compared before. But if I'm really gonna be honest with myself and my feelings... I'm still scared.

Scared of what can happen in the future. We might be okay now but what if all those cruel things happen again? Like what if his attention got stolen by another girl again? What if all those painful things from before happen again in a blink of an eye and all of these good times will be put to waste again? I know I shouldn't be thinking of the future because we're not even there yet but I guess I'm just too scared to lose him again. Honestly, I almost did before. I didn't force him to come back that time but what if next time, he doesn't come back?

I may be strong on the outside, but deep inside I'm very...... Frightened.

Give up.. Or try harder?

And something mad happened again.

It hurts. Of course, it does. Will not mention exactly what happened because just by typing it here, I will burst to tears again. I know.

Right now, well we're fine. We're not breaking up or something. But God, please tell me.. Is this the right thing? Is this what you want me to do? I'm badly hurt right now because I honestly didn't expect any of these along the way. Infatuation, that I can handle. It passed already, got used to it. But facts kept coming and It's over the line already. It's something that not every girl would want. Ever.

But God.. I still chose to stay even if it hurts like hell. I feel so stupid and pathetic loving him. Is this still worth it, God? If this relationship continues, will I still be happy in the end? Cause if not, please let my feelings go. If this relationship will not be right after all, I want You to reset my feelings and open my heart to someone who truly deserves it.

Give up.. Or try harder?

I wanna give up because of the fact that those cruel things happened. Just by thinking that it HAPPENED.. My mind tells me that "you've had enough"

But what holds me back on giving up is the foundation that we built. It's still here in my heart, all of it. How he got me, how I fell inlove with him and how he made me happy. Those things.. I can't throw it all away just like that. I simply can't.

Right now.. I honestly don't know what's the right thing to do. A part of me tells me to let go, the other part tells me to hold on cause it's still worth it.

I'm lost.

I can do this

Okay.. So I'm crying like right now.

Everytime I think about it.. It still KILLS me. I can't believe that after all we've been through, he still liked someone rather than me. Yes, I know he chose me over her and I can already see that but.. It still fucking hurts knowing the fact that his heart (those times) was still open for another person. It just.. Hurts so bad.

The worst part is, I don't have someone to talk to about what's going on in my head. *sigh* I know it will just complicate things.

It's so freakin hard to recover. But I can do this.

Fighting~

Maybe, just maybe

Last night, we talked over the phone. I could really say that somehow.. We're past the storm already. We're moving on. I was surprised by how he handled my random "us" topic again. Haha. It's as if he was back on his feet again.. That old "him" ❤

"Hindi ako aasa PERO yun ang gusto ko mangyari."
"Hindi ako magppromise PERO gagawin ko."

Yeah, in that way maybe it will be less hurtful when a storm comes again. One thing I realized, I was in very deep depression before because I EXPECTED TOO MUCH. But if this will be the arrangement.. Maybe, just maybe.. It won't be that painful anymore.

Where do I stand with you?

Just.. Where?

When she gives up

When she gives up on you, it's gonna be obvious.

1) She will not try to catch your attention
2) She will not fight for you anymore
3) She won't reply to your message as quickly anymore
4) She won't try to keep the conversation going anymore
5) She will not care anymore
6) She no longer gets jealous
7) She will flirt and talk to other guys
8) She no longer care if you care or not anymore
9) She no longer goes to your profile and whine about how happy you are, talking to other girls
10) She will give up on trying to make you love her because she finally realizes that she deserves better

And you will miss her. Miss the way she cared for you. Miss the way she loved you. And you have lost her.

Well, I guess it's just gonna be obvious because when a girl loves, she shows it with all her heart.

18 things I hate about you

I hate the way you look at me,
I hate it when you stare

I hate the way I tell you stuff,
I hate it when you pay no attention

I hate it when you don’t have time for me
And the way you let it be

I hate the way you show your feelings,
I hate it when I feel unloved

I hate how insensitive you are at times,
And the way you don’t notice it

I hate it when you do what you always do,
I hate the way I say “okay” even if it’s totally untrue

I hate it when I tell you how I feel,
And the way you read my mind

I hate it when you tell stories,
And the way it makes me laugh

I hate the way you make me wait,
I hate it when you don’t come back

I hate it when we don’t talk
And the fact that you’re cool with it

I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you are always right,
I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you say you miss me
And the way you don’t do anything about it

I hate the way you say you love me
I hate it when I sometimes doubt it

I hate it when you’re not around,
And the fact that you didn’t call

I hate the way I hate mostly everything you do
And the fact that I’m still madly in love with you

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close..
not even a little bit..
not even at all.

Revised. Got this from my best friend, Maine. Looks like we feel the same way.

And her mind wanders (Credits to Maine)

It’s almost four and she is still awake.. wide awake.

It is not unusual for her anymore since she is more of an evening person. Her mind functions very well at night. Well let us not relate school stuff here, okay? She wants to write, that’s it. Write about anything. She wants to let her feelings and thoughts out of her chaotic mind. It’s about the random little things she has been bottling inside. Everything that is going through her head that are kept for a period of time. It is full of beautiful yet awful thoughts and illusions, bothering her every single night.

She wants to share it, but she can’t. No matter how much she wants to free her mind from her unwanted thoughts, she tends to keep it all to herself. Everything’s occurring suddenly in her mind. Without a notice, her mind wanders. Whether she like it or not, it is going on through a lot.. and it happens all the time. Sometimes it makes her happy, most of the time it makes her sad. It’s like ‘so happy one second, incredibly depressed the next’. And that depression is slowly eating her up. She can’t do anything about it, except close her eyes and pretend like everything is just in her mind. But it’s not, it is already happening. And that’s what scares her; the fact that she might not be able to keep up because a single thought may just simply take over her being and change everything.

La Virginia, Batangas

Yaaaay. Halos kauuwi ko lang galing sa Batangas. Unexpectedly kasi, sinama ako ng family niya dun. Thank you talaga, God! Sinabi palang sakin ni tita na "Gusto mo sumama?" di ko napigilan sarili ko. Napatili talaga ako ng wala sa oras. Hahaha.

Anyway, our stay there was great! Although NAPAKA-INIT, masaya parin kasi wala eh.. La Virginia eh. Haha. La lang, idol ko yung place na yon kasi nung unang beses ako nakarating dun, super nag-enjoy talaga ako. :)

1st day.

Sinundo na nila ako dito sa dorm ng umaga tapos deretso na kaming Batangas. Tumigil pa kami sa isang bahay ng kamag-anak nila. Nag ice cream. Nyahaha. Tapos pumunta nang LV. Yehey, ganon parin yung itsura niya pero ngayon may castle na. Ganda nung castle infernes. Haha. Ayun, punta muna sa room tapos.. NAG-LIBOT LIBOT kahit sobrang init. Picture picture. Nagpapasalamat talaga ako sa pamilyang to kasi feel ko na tanggap talaga nila ako as girlfriens niya. Kumbaga, welcome sa family nila. :)

Tapos balik sa room.. Tulog for ilang hours. Yay. Ako pa nga raw pasimunp sabi ni Tita. Hahaha. Tas ayun, pagkagising.. SWIMMING TIME NA! Yaaay! Dun kami nag swimming sa Infinity pool. Tinry namin lumipat lipat pero sa Infinity pool parin ang bagsak namin at.. Ayun, nagkatamaran na run. After swimming, kain! Lamon! Tapos ligo na rin isa-isa. Naeexcite ako pagkatapos maligo kasi niyaya ko siya lumabas at mag-ikot ikot saglit. At ayun, Thank God natuloy kami.

Sa labas, may plano na ako agad. Kanina ko pa kasi talaga minamataan yung mataas na tree house kaya doon ko rin talaga agad siya dinala. Mwahaha. Nung una, ayaw niya talaga hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Natatakot ata. Haha. Joke, baka raw kasi sarado na. Eh ano naman!? YOLO, fre. Kaya ayun, tumaas parin kami sa pinakatuktok. Ang saya saya ko kasi wala lang, ang taas dun tapos ang lamig lamig pa. Brrrr.

Then we got sweet all of a sudden. We talked about us. Basta cheesy! Hahaha. Hanggang sa umabot sa point na ayun.. Sa totoo lang hindi talaga makapaniwala na nangyari yon. Grrr, kisses. Pero wala eh, ganon talaga. At habang ganon, I keep on telling him "Wag mo akong iiwan ha?" Tapos palagi niyang sasabihin "Bakit mo ba tinatanong yan?" Hmm. Hindi ko rin talaga alam eh. Siguro andoon parin kasi talaga yung takot ko na baka bigla ka nalang umalis. Yung tipong akala ko ok tayo, hindi naman pala. Katulad nung nangyari satin dati. Iiwan mo na naman ako for stupid reasons. No. Hindi na kasi talaga kakayanin neto *turo sa puso* kapag may nangyari na namang ganon eh. Hindi na talaga. I don't know why I keep on thinking future problems. Wala pa nga eh, nilalagay ko na agad. Excited lang? Hahaha. Anyway ayun, I just want to know where I really stand with you.

After we talked about random things. Like me imagining flying lanterns again. Tapos sinabi niya, sa kasal daw namin achuchu. Medyo nagtaka ako kasi akala ko ba ayaw na muna niya isipin mga ganon tapos ayun, pati yung pagtravel na sinasabi ko sakanyang gusto ko noon, sabi niya sakin.. Gusto niya yung siya lang. Hehe. That day. That was one of the proofs that he's really turning to someone I don't know. Pero nung gabing yon, in a way, parang binawi niya. Yung sa Tangled na new dream something. Hindi ko na masyado maalala. Pero ayun, I really hope that you changed back your mind, baby. :)

Then off to hotel again and watched HIMYM. Gahhhh, really missed watching that. After, natulog na rin kami lahat. :)

2nd day.

It was fun, too! Medyo late na kami nagising eh kaya late na rin nakapagswimming. Hindi kami nagswimming dalawa at tumambay tambay nalang kung nasan sila. Picture picture din tapos hotel na ulit para maligo. Wala naglaro lang ako sa tab ng kapatid niya. Then ligo time narin. Pinauna ko na siya sakin para sure na maliligo siya. Hindi kasi talaga ako maliligo pag di siya naligo. Ayun, but masunuring bata naman. After naming maligo lahat, more pictures sa labas! Tapos.. ZIP LINE naaaaa! Yay! Akala ko talaga di na matutuloy yun. Hahaha. First round: with his sister, second round: with him. :)

After Zip Line, bumyahe na rin kami pabalik dito sa Manila. Tumigil pa kaming Mang Inasal para kumain. Medyo badtrip nga eh kasi nabigla yung tiyan ko kaya di masyadong masaya kain ko. Hahaha. Sayang. Pero oks lang yun. Tapos after kumain, hinatid na rin nila ako dito sa dorm. Gahhhh. Super nag-enjoy talaga ako, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Well that's how my La Virginia trip with his fam went. I'm really thankful to his parents for accepting me as their son's girlfriend. And of course to his sister and little brother, too. :) I am really lucky to meet such nice people. Their family might not have everything but there's one thing that makes them perfect.. And that is they love each other so much. :)

Hope to have more and more and more and more memories with them. :)

I wanna go back

Tapos na ako gumawa ng project ngayon. Pero hindi parin ako natutulog. Wala lang. Kung anu-ano na naman pinaggagagawa ko sa internet ngayon. Tas instalk ko siya. I saw our past pictures.. Tas bigla nalang ako naluha. Haha. Medyo emo eh noh? Pero wala eh, gustong gusto ko talaga bumalik sa mga panahong yun. Yung wala pa akong inaalala, ang alam ko lang inlove na inlove pa siya sakin. Ngayon kasi, parang hindi na eh. May nawala kasi talaga. Okay, umiiyak na naman ako ngayon. Haaay. Wala lang, namimiss ko lang talaga yung mga days na yon. Yung mga days na super confident lang ako. :(

God, ang hirap magmove on. Gusto ko man bumalik sa noon, may nawala na talaga eh. Ang hirap hirap ibalik. :( Ginagawa niya best niya.. Pero bakit ganon, natatakot parin ako sa mga bagay na pwedeng mangyari? Mali to eh, na iniisip ko agad yung future eh wala pa nga. Pero God.. Kung may isa man akong bagay na hihilingin sainyo ngayon.. Yun ay mabalik yung CONFIDENCE ko sakanya. Ngayon, wala siyang alam na ganto nararamdaman ko. Ayoko na rin sabihin eh, baka isipin na naman nun na nagbabalik ako o what. Pero ayun.. Ang hirap hirap ng ganto. Yung gantong may natitira paring mga doubts sa utak ko. :( Bakit ba kasi hindi nalang sila maglaho para wala nalang problema. Hindi ko alam, natatakot talaga ako eh. Kasi.. Ayun nga.. Sinabi rin niya sakin nung 2011, 2012 na never niya ako iiwan pero naranasan ko parin sakanya yung halfway palabas na siya sa relationship na to..

I wanna ask you SO many things ming. Marami akong katanungan sayo. Pero sa tingin ko kailangan ko mafound out yung mga sagot indirectly. It will always show naman sa actions mo.

I wanna go back to that time where everything's still alright. (_ _). I REALLY DO.

Goodnight. Matutulog na siguro ako. :)

:)

Asdfghjkl. Ang sayaaaaa. Noon nag-eemo ako pag antagal di magreply ni ming. Pero ngayon, feeling ko sanay na sanay na ako. \:D/. Parang wala nalang. Haha. Weeeee. Buti nalang ganto na, para di nalang ako mag-emo o what. Hahahaha. Okay lang yun, marami talagang bagay ang sumasakop ng atensyon niya eh. Tsaka di naman kailangan ako palage. Palibhasa girlfriend? Hahaha.

Pero ayun, ok na ako.. ngayon ko lang narealize. Di na ako yung tipong masyado siyang hinahanap pag nawawala siya. Sino ba naman ako diba? I'm just his girlfriend. Mas ok parin syempre na sarili muna niya unahin niya. Siguro kailangan ko nalang din matuto na maging busy rin para di ko siya ganon naiisip. Para di ko siya ganon hinahanap. :)

Yun. Napadaan lang! Ang dami pang kailangan gawin ngayooooon. Bye bye! :)

^HAHAHAHAHA. I had to edit this post again. Okaaaaay, I lied.. Hindi pa pala ako ganon ka-okay about dun. Pero andon na ako sa nasasanay part. Andon na ako. Andon na talaga ako. :)

Weird mo, Janeeva Verceles.

My illusion of Forever..

Noon, ang dali dali lang isipin. Na kami na talaga sa huli. Tipong sobrang thankful talaga ako kasi nakahanap na ako ng taong takot mawala ako. Pero dahil sa mga nangyari samin.. Parang nahihirapan na ako isipin ulit yun. Feeling ko anytime, pwede na naman magkagulo. Feeling ko anytime, manghihina na naman ang isa samin. Feeling ko anytime, iiwan niya ako ulit.

He keeps on saying na hindi naman niya gagawin yun. Pero kung iisipin.. Diba, yun din naman ang sinabi niya sakin noon? Walang iwanan kahit anong mangyari. Walang bibitaw. Pero anong nangyari? He still left me. Bumabawi man siya ngayon, yung fact na nagawa niya yon noon, feeling ko anytime.. Pwede ulit mangyari.

Hindi ko na naffeel na takot siyang mawala ako. Sa tingin ko pag lumayo ako, hahayaan nalang niya ako. Walang pigil pigil na magaganap. Let it be, ganon. Nalulungkot lang talaga ako.. Di na ba talaga ako ganon ka worth para sakanya di tulad noon? Meron ba akong mga ugali na napairal ko at naayawan niya kaya siya ganyan? Hindi ko talaga alam. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari.

Maybe.. In a way, he already fell out of love. Kung tutuusin.. Di naman niya talaga ako iiwan in the first place kung mahal niya talaga ako. He will stay NO MATTER WHAT. That's true love. Pero wala eh, nangyari na. Bumalik naman na siya ngayon at nagiging okay na ulit. Pero naiinis ako sa fact na it happened. Nakakalungkot kasi despite sa lahat ng nangyari samin, nagawa niya parin yon.

Okay naman na eh, okay na. Everything's falling to place again. Siguro hindi pa lang ako ganon katapang enough para iaccept yung fact na nangyari na. Masyado kasi ako siguro nagtiwala na hindi niya kaya na wala ako sakanya where in fact, mukang kaya naman niya. :)

Alam ko namang mahal niya ako eh at syempre, mahal ko rin siya. Hindi lang talaga siguro talo yung nararamdaman naming dalawa. Maybe masyado akong seryoso, masyado akong nageexpect, masyado akong nagassume na kami na talaga hanggang dulo. Minsan, naiisip ko.. Sana mawala yung masyado akong may pake. Sana mapantayan ko rin yung nararamdaman niya para di nalang ako madaling masaktan. :) Kasi pag gantong mas nagmamahal ka, ang hirap hirap din pala. Sana isang beses pag gising ko, mawalan naman ako ng pake sa lahat ng bagay kahit onti lang.

Sa ngayon, my illusion of that Forever is not with me anymore. Feeling ko after 5 years and so, wala na ang Ming na akala ko dati.. Sobrang magtatagal. One thing I learned, there really are no perfect relationships at walang instant happy ending. You need to experience all this bullshit first before truly understanding your feelings. Pero khng tatanungin ako.. I really want to go back at that time na confident pa ako samin. Ang sarap kaya sa feeling na ganong may taong ayaw ka mawala. :)

But then again, hindi ko pwedeng ipilit ang mga bagay bagay. Kung talagang medyo nauntog na siya na di pa pala ako yung babaeng para sakanya, wala naman akong magagawa dun. Ang hirap nga noh, mahirap nga yung 1st and last concept sa relationships. Yun talaga ang gusto kong mangyari pero parang di na pala ganon kadali yon. May mga bagay kasi na kahit gano mo kagusto, kung ayaw naman sayo wala ka talagang magagawa don. Kahit gano mo pa kamahal, di parin yun excemption para mahalin ka rin niya ng buong buo. :)

Sa ngayon mahal niya ako, mahal ko siya. Sadyang may mga bagay lang na nawala ever since nagkaproblema. At isa yun sa illusion ko na forever na talaga kami. Pwede namang oo, pero ngayon.. Pwede na ring hindi. :) Rero kung papapiliin ako.. Syempre gusto ko kami na talaga hanggang kadulu-duluhan. I'll be always willing naman.. Always.

Baby, I swear this time I mean it.

Sorry. Sa lahat ming. You can't blame me na ganto na ako ngayon. Paranoid nalang palagi sa lahat ng bagay. Sorry kung hindi ko napipigilan sarili ko paminsan.

Pero dahil sa mga nangyari kagabi, isang bagay lang ang narealize ko..

HINDI KO DAPAT MASYADONG PINAGKAKATIWALAAN FEELINGS KO. LALO NA KUNG WALANG WALA NAMAN TALAGA AKONG PROWEBA.

Sobrang lame lang nung act ko kagabi na sabihin pa sayo yon. Eh kung tutuusin, wala ka naman talagang ginawa. Nagtweet ka lang naman eh. Ano bang masama dun. Pero ako tong ang dami dami agad iniisip. Kung pwede ko lang sabihin sayo yung side ko ming. Yung side na nakikita ko parin yung tweets niya. Yun kasi ang bawal na bawal ko sabihin sayo. Pero wag ka mag-alala, inunfollow ko na rin siya last night. Actually fnfollow ko lang siya kasi nakalimutan kong inunfollow. :).

So ayun. Sorry ming. Kasi hindi talo yung ginawa mo sa naging reaksyon ko. At THANK YOU kasi kahit hindi mo naiintindihan talaga, iniintindi mo parin ako. Inintindi mo lang. Thank you dun, ming. I will try my VERY best para hindi na ako maging ganto, baby. Gusto ko na ulit magtiwala sayo kung alam mo lang. Andun naman na kasi ako ming eh, tayo. Pero anong ginagawa ko diba? Sorry dun.

That's all. And lastly, SORRY.. AND ILOVEYOUVERYMUCH MING. ❤

That random Iloveyou

We were talking on the phone earlier. I'm not feeling good that time because of what happened at Mom's.

We talked talked talked. Ask each other's business. Haha. Then Tito talked to me about something. After that conversation with Tito...

He said to me "Ming." "Ne?" "Iloveyou."

I had to pause that time. It's been a while hearing a random iloveyou from him. I was happy. :)

But then, the phonecall stopped. Okay. :).

Why

God, why is this happening? I know there's always a reason why but this time, I want to know the reason. Is this how love really works? Despite all the happiness, promises, togetherness, it would still fall apart?

Right now, I HONESTLY don't know what to think already. He keeps telling me that he loves me, but there's something wrong. I may be just overthinking again and stuff but I'm not happy with this. I can't pretend anymore....

Why can't I just let go of the past? Why can't I just move on and look forward?

I wanna know something, God. But I don't know how and where to start. There's something missing in my heart. I really can't say what.. But I know there is.

Finally

Finally, he came back. :)

After 9 days, bumalik na siya. I gotta say, those 9 days were the SLOWEST 9 days of my life! It took forever! Hahaha. Pero ayun, ngayon ok na. Bumalik na siya. Nakakatawa nga eh kasi di naman niya ako sinurprise. Sinabi pa niya "Seeyou baby~ :*."

Kaya nag-expect na talaga ako. Hinintay ko na siya buong araw sa dorm. Pagdating niya, andun pa sina Lance pero ayun umalis na rin siya. GRABE YUNG FEELING. Kakaiba talaga. Parang ang tagal naming hindi nagkita. Parang di ko na siya kilala. Hahahaha. Oa. Pero ayun, yung moment na lumapit na siya sakin ang hugged me from behind.. Sobrang hindi ako makapaniwala na totoo na talaga. Hindi na panaginip. Bumalik na si ming sakin.

He hugged me. Pagharap ko, ihuhug ko lang dapat siya pero nagkiss na kami. Haha. I missed that lips. Then nag-usap na kami. We had this conve of our own realizations. Lalo na yung kanya. Sabi niya, ako lang daw talaga yung mahal niya. Mahal daw niya ako na walang halong doubts and all. Di na raw niya kaya patagalin pa ang di namin pagkikita lalo na't maglolong weekend pa.

One of the best moments para sakin, yung hiningi niya yung iloveyou ko. Matagal na raw kasi niya hindi naririnig sakin yun. And so I said it.

"Iloveyou~"

Yesterday's event was amazing. It's because I really did miss him a lot. 9 days without my ming? It wasn't not that easy! But I like to thank you God for being there for me always though things fell apart. Kung wala Ka, hindi ko na alam kung saan ko pupulutin ang sarili ko. Thank you kasi ginamit mong instruments para maging masaya ako kahit papano yung mga kapatid at kaibigan ko. They were a big help. :)

Now he's back, syempre masaya ako. Pero syempre andon parin yung takot ko na baka mangyari ulit. Kaya sa totoo lang, hindi pa naman ako fully nagtitiwala sakanya. Pero siya na nga mismo nagsabi na tuturuan daw niya ulit ako magmahal at hinding hindi na niya ako iiwan.

I really hope so, ming. Kasi promise, once mangyari ulit lahat to, hindi na mistake.. Choice mo na yun, baby. :)

God, I pray na kayo at kayo parin ang maging center ng relationship namin. Please always guide us. Through good and bad, help us to surpass it all. Thank you so much.