You said move on, where do I go?

I know that I said that "I'm getting there" but it really really sucks that I could still find myself being affected of what happened.. Effin 9 months ago. 9 MONTHS!!!

I know there's this time that one should be very emotional when the one you love treated you bad. Especially when the factors why and how he did it is still around. I think that is very normal. But on my situation.. Why do I still find myself holding on to the past? Why?

All of the "factors" are gone. They are not classmates, they don't talk anymore (I know and I'm 100% sure), he's trying his best each day just to prove how much he loves me. That girl even has another guy now! 

At this point, I should not be thinking about it already. I could see things have changed and I even keep talking about that here. 

But why do I still see myself afraid of what could go wrong? I want to seize every moment with him. I want to just be happy and make the most out of this relationship. But how could I do that if I still can't let go of the past? 

Bipolar

Yep, that's me. I hate how bipolar I am. Sometimes I'm happy then one second after, I'm sad. Like seriously, what's the problem with me? 

It's hard being a bipolar person. You don't really know what to feel and when you feel something.. Why you feel it. I'm the type of person who can easily change feelings.. No, not feelings. Emotions. I'm happy when I could feel that he's there for me and all it's like "he have changed. I really love him." kind of stuff. But then when he's not around.. I'm like "he doesn't love me. He doesn't want to talk to me." and suddenly I feel alone. 

Wth, Janeeva. Pull yourself together! When he's not around (bec. he's playing as usual), don't conclude that he's not there for you. He's just doing his own thing you paranoid freak. You could even see it with your own eyes, right? "nigooxd IN GAME" 

Maybe I need him to give more time to me. Since, you know, I'm going through something. But that just won't happen because of his "busy" time (coughs*playing*coughs) and his strict parents. 

Ugh, hate how bipolar I am when it comes to him. Really really hate it. 

I'm getting there

Today, I could actually say that I'm okay now. Sa totoo lang, matagal na ata pero ngayon ko lang napansin. Kung yung topic na yun lang din ang pag-uusapan, wala na sakin yun. I mean sa side niya, I know walang walang walang wala na yun. I'm not making myself feel better or what, I just know. Marami na rin akong proofs. Maraming marami na. And I'm really proud of him kasi this time around, totoo na siya sa mga sinasabi niya sakin.

If there are things that make me sad every once in a while, yun nalang siguro yung fact na hindi siya palagi free para sakin. Yung fact na wala pa sakanya yung pagbigay sakin ng oras. Tanggap ko naman na yun eh. At alam kong wala naman may gusto samin nun. Sadyang ganto lang talaga sa ngayon.

But he keeps on telling me that someday, babawi siya sakin. Once na magkaroon na siya ng trabaho at free na siya sa parents niya, I believe na magiging mas okay pa tong relationship na to. :) I really thank God for always giving me the strength and the faith.

Akala ko, eto na yung tipong yung sobrang hirap magmove on.. as ing years. He loves me too much to make me suffer from all those past. He does everything just to prove that I'm the one. Hindi man naging madali para saming dalawa, ako na nanunumbat at siya na ppressure na masyado sakin, we never gave up. 

Keep loving me.. I'm getting there, Ming.