Nakakasakal na ba?

Uy, nasasakal ka na ba sakin? Kasi habang tumtagal, mukhang lalo ako nagiging demanding, emotional, sensitive, insecure. Lahat ng pangit na ugali ng isang girlfriend na saakin na ata.

Sorry kung ganon. Dun kasi ako dinadala ng mga nararamdaman ko eh. Di ko kayang pigilan yung mga yun. Minsan naiisip ko, ako na talaga yung mali. Hindi ikaw. Kasi ako tong mareklamo, madaming gusto etc.

Sorry kasi ganto ako. Feeling ko mahirap baguhin to. Siguro kasi sobrang mahal lang talaga kita. Sobra. Kung alam mo lang. Pero sana yung pagmamahal ko, di ka nahihirapan dun.

And.. Thank you for keeping up with all of that. Don't worry, I will always try to change. Kahit medyo mahirap, I will try. Pero kung di ko talaga kaya at di mo na rin talaga kaya mag keep up sa gantong mga ugali ko, maiintindihan ko pag bigla ka nalang umalis. Masakit man, maiintindihan ko.

Nasasakal ka na ba? Sorry ulit kung ganto ako.

Sana ako nalang. I feel better that way.

Just feel like posting right now. As usual, this is just another thought that popped up into my mind again.

Wala lang. Hindi ko naman gusto ma feel bothered pag nagsspazz siya sa kung sinu-sinong kpop artists pero naffeel bothered talaga ako.

Parang naiisip ko kasi na.. Ang dami niyang babae. Ang dami niyang babaeng sinusubaybayan. Inaabangan. Tinititigan. Pinapanood. Pinagpapantasyahan. Pinag-aaralan.

Naisip ko lang, marami kami. Iba man ako sakanilang lahat kasi hindi naman ako artista na kasing gaganda nila pero kung lahat kaya sila dumating dito. Ako parin ba? Ako parin kaya yung pipiliin niya? Ako parin ba yung babaeng sinasabi niyang perfect para sakanya?

YUNG FACT LANG KASI NA, HINDI LANG AKO ANG BABAENG TINITINGNAN NIYA, MEDYO MASAKIT. Medyo lang naman.

Di ba kasi pwedeng, ako nalang?

Ok, goodnight.

Some recent pictures!

I would just like to share some of our recent pictures! :)

Sobra.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Minsan talaga at random times, napapatanong ako sakanya kung mahal ba niya ako o hindi. Masyado kasi akong segurista eh. Gusto ko kung mahal talaga ako, uulit-ulitin niya sasabihin lalong lalo na ipaparamdam at ipapakita. Hee. XD

Ayun, sobrang na sweetan lang talaga ako sa sinabi niyang yan. Normal kung titingnan pero kasi ang ineexpect ko lang na sagot niya, "Ne ming. Oo naman." something like that. Pero di eh, may dagdag siya. "Sobra ming. Sobraaa." Parang naramdaman ko sa sobra niya yung pagmamahal niya sakin. Alam ko naman ming na mahal mo talaga ako eh. Alam ko yon. Nagtatanong lang ako sayo paminsan kasi alam mo bang masarap sa pakiramdam na marinig mula sayo yun? Sobra. Dun ko pinakanaffeel talaga na mahal mo nga ako.

So yeah, this is just a random post. Haha. Matutulog na ako ngayon, goodnight! :)

The Ark Story

Wala lang. Natutuwa lang talaga ako sa Ark na yon ng UST. :) May pamahiin pala yon, pag freshmen ka, dadaan ka pala don as an entrance in UST. Tapos pag ggraduate ka na, palabas naman sa Ark. Pag dumaan ka raw dun ng mas maaga (hindi pa nakakagraduate), ibig sabihin mapapaalis ka ng UST ng maaga. Either babagsak, makikick-out etc.

So yun yung pamahiin nila sa Ark na yon.

Kanina lang, nakwento niya sakin yon nung magkasama kami. Eh ewan ko, bigla ko siyang pinagtripan. Pinapadaan ko siya sa Ark na yon na parang sinasabi na "Sus, wag mo paniwalaan yung pamahiin na yan." Grabe, as ing ayaw niya talaga dumaan. Bag nalang daw niya idaan ko. Binigay niya yung bag niya at eto na naman akong tinamaan ng lakas ng trip. Iniwan ko dun sa gitna ng Ark yung bag niya. Hahahaha. Sabay sabing "Uwi na ako."

Natawa ako kasi literal, nainis na talaga siya sakin. Lalo na nung na found out niya na yung wallet niya andun sa bag niya. Hahaha. Nainis na siya. Malamya na tapos blanko na talaga mukha niya. Iniinis ko parin talaga tapos nagddrama pa ako na "Wala, hindi mo ko mahal.l Hahahaha. The hell, Jan. Kaya ayun, nainis talaga siya "Oh, sa tingin mo dyan na masusukat yung oagmamahal ko sayo ah?" Haha. Asar na talaga siya. XD

In the end, nagsorry na ako. Sinabi ko na I was just testing him if he would do it because he loves me. Eh di niya ginawa. Pero oo, di naman yun nasusukat dun. :) Napagtripan ko lang talaga si ming. XD

ILOVEYOU! :* Wag na inis ha? :)

Di kami nag-uusap ngayon.

Di ko rin talaga alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon di ko parin siya kinakausap. Di man lang ako nag goodnight or what. Di ko man lang sinabi na nakauwi na ako ngayon. Haaaay. Siya naman kasi, hindi marunong tumupad sa usapan. Nagpunta kasi kami sa birthday ng ate ko at napadota sila. Sabi ng mom niya, hanggang 11 lang daw pauwiin ko na rin siya pero 11:40 na siya tumayo sa kinauupuan niya.

Alam mo yung feeling na parang wala siya pakialam kahit masira yung trust ng mama niya sakin, as his girlfriend. Ako kasi yung pinagkatiwalaan at alam kong alam niya yon. Nakakainis lang kasi bakit ganon. Ayun, nung paalis na siya alam niyang bv na ako sakanya. He talked to me and even said sorry. Pero ako tong si tango tango lang. Pinakamasakit sa lahat yung di man lang ako nag-iloveyoutoo sakanya bago siya umalis. Oo, masakit sakin yon. Hahahaha.

So ayun, di na kami nag-usap pagkatapos. Hanggang ngayon. Ewan ko rin ba bakit di ko parin siya tinetext. Ay joke, alam ko pala. Gusto ko naman kasi matuto siya. Pag nakikinig kasi yon, pasok sa kanang tenga labas sa kaliwa. Haaay. Pero nakikita ko parin naman na ginagawa niya yung best niya.

Hmmm. Sorry ming. Sorry din kasi kahit di naman talaga ganon kalalim yung kasalanan mo, ganto na ako agad magreak. Gusto ko kasi talaga natuto ka. Sana bigyang halaga mo rin yung mga sinasabi at pinapaalala ko sayo. Wait baka naman kasi oa lang ako. Sadyang masaya ka lang masyado pag nagdodota ka. Hahaha. Nako nako. Ayun. Bukas itetext na kita. Hindi ko kaya eh. Pero sana by that time you've learned your lesson. Istillloveyou, don't worry. <3

Samsung Galaxy Y for you!

What a title for this post. Hahaha. Well, may sense naman. Plano ko siyang bigyan ng ganyan. Actually di na plano. I am going to give him one. :). Thank you God kasi andiyan si Mama na nagpresinta muna kunin yon tapos bayaran ko nalang weekly, zero interest. Hahaha.

Naaalala ko nung time na parang nabring up namin yung topic about sa phone. Matagal ko na kasi planado na samsung galaxy y nga at booom. Nabanggit nya sakin noon na, "Kahit yung parang kay Kuya Karl lang, masaya na ako." Eh alam kong Galaxy Y yon kaya natuwa talaga ako! Weee!

I wonder what would be his reaction. I mean matutuwa ba siya ng sobra? Tama lang? O hindi? Wait, knowing him, he wouldn't reject my gift. :). Pero ayun. Di ko talaga alam. Sana naman matuwa siya. Gusto ko talaga kasi mabago yung social life niya pagdating sa twitter, fb.. most especially, gusto ko talaga siya magkaroon ng instagram! AS IN, AS IN! Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero gusto ko talaga! Gusto ko rin siya makita don. Alam ko rin kasing vain din yung lalaking yun. (Oh, wag na dumeny) Hahaha. I'm really happy magkakaroon na siya nun. :).

Until now, I still don't know when would I get the phone but one thing's for sure.. malapit na malapit na.

Sorry ming kung di ko pa kaya sa ngayon yung dream phone mo. Wala pa akong trabaho eh. Pero knowing you, alam kong magugustuhan mo yung ibibigay ko sayo. :). Ingatan mo ha? May pagmamahal na kasama yan! Sabi ko nga sayo kanina, pag ako nagbibigay sa taong mahal ko, may puso. <3

*toinks* Asdfghjkl. Oo na Jan! Haha.

I know you'll be glad. Iloveyou! <3.

My myths about his game.

Whenever I hear or just read "League of Lengends" aka "LOL" I feel angry, mad, most especially.. depressed. I honestly hate that game. Not of its graphics, capalities, mode of playing etc. but because of the fact that it takes a lot of his time. Sometimes I just feel that the game gets more of his attention more than I do. Because of that game, it makes me look at a different point of view and it is you treat me as equal of the things that you are committed to. Worst part? It's just a freaking online game.

LOL = ME. Sometimes, LOL > ME.

I just don't mention it but it hurts me big time when you play and play and play at night and after you'll say that you want to sleep already. So.. That's the purpose why you stay up all night? Because I somehow thought it's because of me. I know that you won't compare me to any thing but that game simply has this impact that makes me so irritated.

BUT, It's the past already.

I'm really glad that we had a chance to talk about his game and how I felt about it. I could say that it made me feel a lot better. I understood when he said, "It's just how I spend my time for myself." I realized that even I spend a lot of time doing things for myself like writing on my diary and here, studying, surfing the net, etc. We don't live entirely for each other and we need to have quality time for ourselves, too. BUT (Yes, there's always a but) we should consider each other as one of our highest priorities. Priorities that don't equal to games, surfing the net, writing on my diary and all the other things we normally do.

Now, I'm starting to feel okay whenever he's playing. I now understand the why's. I just don't want him to spend his ENTIRE time playing causing him to lessen his time talking to me. Gaaah. Balance your time will you? XD.

We talked about this already and I feel contented. I'm just gonna blurt things out when something's wrong again.

Sacrificial Love! HAHAHAHA

Katawa tong kwento na to pero ang sweet talaga en. Kaya ikkwento ko. Isang beses nandito siya sa dorm nun. Nakalimutan ko na yung eksaktong date pero ayun, basta andito siya. :)

We were cuddling again like usual couples do. Then a stupid thought popped into my head, tinanong ko siya "Masakit pa na-sisipa o natatamaan ang *censored*?" Of course he said yes. Hahaha. Then I demanded him to allow me to kick his one time, big time. Sinabi ko pag hindi siya pumayag, hindi niya ako mahal. Nung una ayaw talaga niya. Pero seryoso talaga ako at di ko siya pinapansin at nageemo lang. Haha. Kaya pinayagan niya ako. Sa totoo lang nagulat talaga ako na punayag siya. Di ko akalain yun. :)))

So I acted happy because he allowed me to kick his *censored*. Weee. Pero ayun, when I was counting "1, 2, 3.." He keeps curving and slouching because he knows he will get hurt talaga. Ilang beses din yun ha! Haha. Pero may time na hinayaan nalang nya ako. "1, 2, 3!" but I didn't do anything. He looked at me with a questioned facial expression. I jumped right into him and hugged him tight. "Papayagan mo talaga ako gawin yun, ming?" "Oo, para lang mapatunayan na love kita." with a medyo-irritated-look. Haha!

Isa yun sa mga nagpatunay na mahal nya nga talaga ako. Kahit sobrang masakit yung gagawin ko sakanya, he still allowed it to happen mapatunayan lang na mahal niya ako. :). Yeeee. Kiligs naman ako dun! :'> (Rare ko lang gamitin yan kasi ayoko talaga ng emoticon na yan, pero wala eh kilgs talaga ako. Hahaha.)

End of story. Gonna sleep now! :)

Random Posts I see in the Internet That Makes Me Think Of You.

• "Hey Babe,
  Thank you for staying up this late just to text me. Thank you for caring about my tantrums and mood swings. Thank you for hearing my senseless and pointless stories sometimes. Thank you for reminding me that I am beautiful. Thank you for being awake through out this cold nights. Thank you for the sweet words. I love you. Yes. I do."
• (will be updated.)

Nasa Thailand siya for 4 days. Weee!

Ok, nganga ako ngayon. Walang kausap, walang makatext, walang kumakamusta ng araw ko.. Wala kasi siya ngayon eh, nasa Thailand. I'm really happy for him because finally! Naexperience na nilang magkakapatid ang mag-ibang bansa and I believe God na kami naman soon. :)). So ayun, wala siya. Hindi ko parin alam hanggang ngayon kung kaya niya makipag contact sakin o hindi. Di pa kasi siya nag-ool or what. Pero di naman ako naeexpect kasi medyo mahirap nga pag nasa ibang bansa ka. :D.

This is actually day 1 since he left for Thailand. I just feel posting tonight because I don't have someone to talk to anyways. If we're not gonna talk EVER by tomorrow, it will actually be the first time that we've survived not talking/texting in a day. We've been talking since the first day we met so.. it;'s gonna be a little different.

Kamusta kaya siya don ngayon? Ano kaya ginagawa niya? Anong nangyari ngayong araw esp. first time niya sa ibang bansa? Gusto ko talaga siya makamusta man lang. Haha. Pero looking at the time, baka nagpapahinga na yon ngayon. Ok lang, di naman ako nageexpect na makausap siya today and for the next 3 days. Weeee. Pag ganon kaya mas nakakaexcite yung pagbalik niya! Kasi panigurado namiss namin isa't isa non. :)). This is kinda exciting sa totoo lang. Bago kasi, walang usap usap ng ilang araw. Eenjoyin ko nalang to. HAHAHA.

Nkakakatawa ngta yung magiging pasalubong niya sakin pagbalik niya eh, alam ko na agad.. kiss. Maraming maraming kiss. :* I will be waiting for your return, Ming. :)

I know God will make their whole stay in Thailand, safe. :) 

True Success Will Have To Go Through Failures First

God, I just want to take this moment to pray for him..

His hard work didn't pay off because he didn't reach the grade to be qualified on his scholarship.. I know, it's sad. I've been carrying his burden with me, too. It just hurts seeing him all depressed.. I know he did his best but his best wasn't enough to maintain his grade. I'm really sad for him.. I really am. I just show him that I'm not so that he would, somehow, feel better. 

As everyone say, true success will have to go through  failures first. This is just one of that failures. People do not tend to be on top always, there are times that we need to see and feel what it's like to be on the bottom, too. These things happen for a reason, and I'm pretty sure that the reason is something that we would be thankful for in the future. 

Though this happened, I believe that You have planned a better path for him. We may not not still see it right now but soon.. I know something good will come up. We just have to trust You, God. Thank You.

Amen.

Cheer up.

If I were to tell you something right now.

"I’m annoying, clingy, bossy, impatient. I ask too much. I say too little. I get emotional easily. I have trust issues.. 

These flaws would’ve made you want to leave, yet you’re still

here. You saw past all of that. I just want to say thank you. <3"


Napansin ko rin talaga.. Kahit gano ako ka clingy. emotional, impatient, bossy and all.. palagi mo lang ako  iniintindi. Sorry Ming.. Hindi ko kasi mababago tong gantong mga ugali ko. Maybe because meron talaga akong trust issues. Simula parin nung time na yon, marami ang nawala.. especially my trust on you. Kaya onting ganto lang, ganto agad iniisip ko. Hindi mo lang pagreply agad, feeling ko di na ako agad mahalaga sayo. Alam mo yun? Ang oa. Pero kasi ganto talaga ako. And I want to thank you for staying kahit ganto ako. Thank you kasi palagi mo lang sinasabi na "Ok lang" at naiintindihan mo. Thank you. <3

Kanina lang, I dream't about him. Ang negative na naman. I started wondering why.. and I asked mom. She said na yung mga napapanaginipan ko, yun yung mga bagay na ayoko maging siya, TOTOO. Lahat ng nakikita ko sa panaginip ko, ayoko yung Nigel na yon. Ayokong ayoko. Hindi ko kinakaya. Every time na gigising ako at wala ako sa mundong yon, I always say "Thank you, God." Ang sarap lang sa feeling

Ok, nashare ko lang naman yun. Haha.

End point of this post.. I want to say that..

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. THOUGH I AM LIKE WHAT I'VE SAID EARLIER, YOU'RE STILL HERE.. LOVING ME. <3

Maybe.

I really care more than he do.


Promise. Ramdam na ramdam ko yun. Haha. Maybe because I don't know his side kaya ko to nasasabi. Mas nagmamahal ako kaysa sa sakanya. Nakakalungkot lang. Sabi ko na nga ba eh, ibang klase ako magmahal. Siguro kasi first time to. Kung sa bagay, nawarningan ko na rin naman siya noon na pag naging kami, ako na yung tipong tao na di na magpapakawala.

Pero ang hirap din pala. Ang hirap din pala pag nakikita mo na ikaw yung mas nag-eeffort. Nageeffort siya, oo. Pero iba eh. Parang feeling ko, sobra yung akin.

Bawasan ko kaya? Baka sakaling mafeel niya na nahihirapan din ako. Para next time, siya naman yung mas gumalaw. Para next time, siya naman makaramdam netong mga nararamdaman ko ngayon.

One night conversation.

Last Monday, sumabog na talaga ako. As ing iyak na ako ng iyak sa mga bagay na nangyayari samin. Parang iniisip ko, bakit nagiging ganto na? Ano nang nangyayari? Sino ba ang nagbago, ako o siya?

These past few weeks kasi, napansin ko na palagi nalang ako umiiyak dahil sakanya. Hindi lalagpas ang isang linggo na hindi ako umiiyak and I'm sick of it. Hindi ko na kaya. Kaya sinabi ko na sakanya lahat netong Monday.

After classes ko, umuwi na rin ako agad para makipagkita sakanya. Hindi kami ok simula kaninang umaga pero nung nagkita kami sa Sherwood, I acted like nothing's wrong between us. I still held his hand as we walk papuntang dorm.

And we talked.

At first, walang kibuan, walang nagsasalita, walang kahit ano. Pareho kaming blangko sa mga nangyayari. Hindi naman kasi dati ganto. The last thing we know, masaya kami. Hindi ko talaga alam sasabihin ko pero naglakas loob na ako kasi alam kong kailangan mangyari ng usapan na to.

Sinabi ko na lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.

Lahat ng hinanain na nararamdaman ko, sinabi ko na sakanya. Sinabi ko na bakit parang hindi ko na nakikita yung effort niya. Ni simpleng text hindi ko na maasahan sakanya ngayon. Parang feeling ko, ako nalang yung gumagalaw at nagpapatakbo ng relationship namin.

"Minsan kasi, sa smallest efforts nakikita kung mahal ka talaga ng tao o hindi."

I bursted out, crying. Salita lang ako ng salita. Wala na akong pakialam sa kung anong iisipin nya basta sasabihin ko yung side ko. Then when I insisted for him to talk, he said "Siguro kasi ako yung tipong lalaki na ayaw masyado ng atensyon." Sobrang naiyak talaga ako. Kasi feeling ko sobra na ako. Feeling ko in a way, nasasakal na siya sakin. I asked him kung anong gusto niyang gawin ko. Sabi naman niya na wag akong magbago. Ang labo niya.

Siguro, ayaw niya ng masyadong atensyon pero gusto niya yung akin at the same time. I was planning na bawasan na yun, pero ayaw niya. Binabaan na naman niya yung prode niya at nag sorry sakin. Nagsalita na siya at sinabi na "Hindi dapat ako yung nagpapabigat niyan, *turo sa puso ko* Ako dapat nagpapasaya niyan kasi ako ang boyfriend mo."

Somehow, that made my heart smile.

"Hindi mo deserved na ganto ang trato sayo kaya gagawin ko best ko." He was crying that time. As ing iyak talaga. As in sobrang umiiyak din siya kagaya ko. Nasabi ko rin sakanya na "Onti nalang kasi ming, bibitaw na ako." Nasabi ko yan kasi hirap na hirap na talaga ako sakanya. Sawang sawa na yung puso ko na ganon nalang palagi. I wanted him to learn.

In the end, nagsorry siya at inassure niya sakin na gagawin pa niya yung best niya. Ako kasi yung tipong tao na kung gaano kabilis masaktan, ganon din kabilis mabuhayaan. Nagtiwala ako sakanya kasi yung mga luha niya eh.
Sinasabi talaga non na ayaw niya ako mawala sakanya kahit anong mangyari.

So ayun, last thing I remember.. we we're laughing like nothing happened. Sana this time, totoo na. God, sa totoo lang, ayoko na talaga maulit to. Olease guide our relationship.

Thank You, God.

Masyado na akong oa sa mga bagay bagay minsan.

Ang oa oa ko na sakanya, promise. To the point na feeling ko naiinis na siya in a way. Haha. Natrauma na rin kasi ako sa pagsisinungaling mo sakin noon kaya ganto ako. Sinabi mo na na hindi pero todo bantay parin ako. Sorry. Siguro kasi gusto ko lang maging segurista, ayoko na kasi maramdaman yung naramdaman ko noon. Ayun..

Isang araw lang hinihiling ko.

Haaay. Ngayon. Sobrang lungkot ko talaga. As in. As in. Feeling ko di ko kayang ngumiti. Ngayon kasi, may mall at dinner kami with Mommy & Tita Ning. Nagrequest sila kung pwede namin isama yung mga boyfriend namin ng mga ate ko. Pero siya, hindi pinayagan. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga ine-expect yun. Sobrang hindi talaga. Akala ko makakasama ko siya ngayong araw. Importante kasi tong araw na to para sakin atsaka sa family ko. Ayun. Pero kagabi palang, hindu na talaga pwede. Iyak ako ng iyak nun sa kotse at sa bus nung pauwi kami ng kapatid ko dito sa Laguna. Ang sakit kasi eh.

Kagabi, hindi talaga naging maganda pakikitungo ko sakanya. Naunahan kasi ng lungkot. Wala. Sobrang cold talaga. Nung time na yon, nakatulog pa ako ng malungkot kasi wala paring sinasabi sina tita. Kahit sinasabi nila sakanya na bawal talaga, umaasa parin ako na baka payagan siya. Meron pang bukas ng umaga.. Pero ayun, pagkagising ko at nung nagtext sita.. Hindi parin talaga.

And so I started crying again. This time, hindi na ako ganon nakakakita ng liwanag kasi ngayong araw nalang eh. Wala na. I tried convincing his mother and father.. pero walang reply. Kung anu-ano na nasasabi ko sa boyfriens ko. Ang sakit lang kasi na mamaya, makikita ko mga kapatid ko na kasama nila mga boyfriend nila as requested ni Mommy at Tita.. pero yung akin, nasaan? Wala.

God, hindi ko po talaga alam kung bakit wala ang pag-intindi ko ngayon. Miski sakanya, nagagalit ako kahit alam kong ginawa niya yung best niya. Masyado kasi akong nalulungkot ngayon eh kaya ang nega nega ko. Tapos na ang usapan namin ang yes, it's FINAL.. hindi ko sya makikita mamaya. Wala siya. Hindi talaga siya pinayagan. Masakit talaga, God. Sobra.

Ganto man nangyayari ngayon, iniisip ko nalang na magiging worth it lahat pag nakaraos na kami sa stage na to. Pag dumating na yung TIME na pwede ko na siya palagi makasama. Yung time na isang sabi ko lang, nakakapunta siya. Yung time na malaki na ang karapatan ko sakanya. Ngayon, tiis tiis muna.

Ika nga, God has plans.

Nakakadissapoint lang.

Wala lang, naisip ko lang kanina bakit parang wala lang sayo na di ako makakain kahit gutom na gutom na ako. Parang di ko na feel na sincere ka sakin nung time na yon. Hindi ka man lang nagpresinta na uuwi ka nalang mag-isa, makakain lang ako. Yung tipong ganon ba.. Eh wala eh, chillax ka lang habang ako, alam ko mang magsusuffer ako kasi di ako makakakain. Bakit ganon Ming? Sa totoo lang, dissapointed talaga ako. Hindi man lang ata sumagi sa isip mo yung kapakanan ko.

But he said his sorries already. Alam niyang siya talaga yung mali. Yan ang gusto ko kay ming eh, inaamin nya palagi na nagkamali siya. Never the case na paglalaban niya at dedepensahan niya pa. Ang baba baba ng pride niya. Yun talaga. ❤

Ayun, ok na kami ngayon. Requirement talaga sa mag-on ang pagiging himest sa isa't isa. Gaya ng nangyari kagabi. Tingnan mo, naresolbahan agad. :)

This feeling, I hate it.

Nagtweet ako ng ganyan kanina, this is what I actually meant.. Sinabi ko lang sakanya na masakit kasi katawan ko. Haaay, Jan. :)

Bothered ako ngayon. Ganda kasi ng bungad sakin nung tweets niya. Nabasa ko run na magkasabay sila ni M kagabi. Hindi ko alam kasabay. Basta alam kong magkasama sila kahapon. Wala, ok lang naman yun. Sadyang di ko lang maiwasan mainsecure sakanya. Nakikita ko palang pangalan niya, parang naaano na ako. Ang ganda kasi niya eh, sexy, magaling sumayaw. Feeling ko she's way too amazing compared sakin.

Insecurity? I know it's not healthy for the mind. I know.

Oo, It hurts me pag ganong alam kong magkasama sila. Wala naman silang ginagawang kahit ano. Pero kasi maganda talaga siya eh. Haha. Ang babaw ko shet. Tapos alam ko pang nagkasomething sila dati. Tsssssk. Sa lahat ng babae, sakanya talaga ako pinakanagseselos pag alam kong kasama niya yung boyfriend ko.

Pero tiwala lang! Hindi ko na to kailangan iopen up kay Nigel. Bothered lang yung feeling ko pero not something para ibig deal pa.

To My Future Wife By Him. ❤

Yesterday, he random texted me saying that he wants me to check on something in facebook. It's his essay project. I didn't have an idea what that essay was all about. Basta sabi noya may ipapabasa siya and he wants to know my personal reaction. :) Of course, I said yes and read his essay.

I was really touched. Especially knowing that that his essay pertains more to the love of God. I found it really cute nung sinabi  niya sakin na "Wala lang, gusto ko lang mabasa mo ming. :3" He really wanted me to know how he felt about his essay. Nabanggit niya pa sakin "Gusto ko ikaw na maging future wife ko ming." In other words, yung essay niyang yun.. I was one of his inspirations.

If I were to ask, I would really love to be your future wife. We just need to be strong ming.. in anything life will offer us.

Your tears changed everything.

Last night, we had so many misunderstandings. I talked to him over the phone to deal with it. Napa-open kasi ako sakanya ng wala sa oras. I opened up that after all these days, I still feel that "Nigel doesn't love me anymore". Yes, I still do and it hurts me so bad. I actually cried in the bathroom hardcore before opening things to him again.

While we're on the phone, I simply couldn't fight back my tears anymore.. I cried and opened up. This is surely one of the most horrifying moments of my life because I didn't know how things would end up between us. Are we going to break up? Are we going to have a cool-off? Are we going to love each other more after this? I don't know. All I know is I wanted him to know these negative thoughts of mine though it may seem childish. Then I told him "Oh, how about you? Please open up and tell me everything you want to say. I can't always be the one talking here". And he did..

Those words from his voice made me realize that I was being foolish all this time.. Sinabi niya sakin na mahal daw niya ako and nothing would ever change that. He has plans for the future already and I'm in it, sabi niya. Yes, it's still possible that all of these are still bullshit but no, one thing showed that it was not.. He was crying. His voice was shaking. His trembling voice as he speaks became an eye-opener to me. I suddenly remembered the saying that when a guy cries for you, he really loves you. I felt pure sadness and sincerity in his voice.

After the long talk, I decided to throw away my negative feelings from now on. He's my boyfriend and I should believe in him. Tama na, masyado na niyang naprove sakin na mahal na mahal nga niya ako. He cried and made me feel that he was hurting even more kaysa sakin. Sorry if we had to do this first before I feel better, ming. But it worked. I feel a LOT better now. Those negative feelings are gone already.

Ittry ko talaga na hindi na maging TH sakanya. I will not expect na rin masyado kasi hindi nagiging maganda yun sa relationship namin. I will just appreciate kung anong meron kami ngayon. For as long as alam kong ginagawa naman niya yung best niya para samin, ok na ako dun. :)

Iloveyou ming! and Thank You God! ❤

Why am I feeling this?

Right now, I'm not sure anymore if I still love him or not. My heart says I love him very much but my mind somehow says it is slowly falling apart. Maybe this is just psychologically or something, but one thing's for sure.. I HATE THIS FEELING. I hate myself for thinking this way. I loved him since forever and I don't want everything to be ruined by my temporary thoughts.

Ok Jan, YOU STILL LOVE HIM. See? Just by typing that, it made you smile. :). YOU STILL LOVE HIM.

Yes, I know I do. :). I will still do my best for us. Iloveyou ming! ❤

To be honest, I want to be with you all the time.. like they are. (adaylatepost)

Masaya ako ngayong araw. Sobra. Nakita ko kasi ulit yung boyfriend ko. Iba parin talaga pag nagkasama kayo.. kahit gaano pa kasaglit yon. Masayang masaya na talaga ako kanina basta alam ko lang na andyan siya. Pinapunta ko kasi kanina eh, buti pinayagan siya. :)

Ngayon, syempre obvious naman, hindi ko na siya kasama. Kung kasama ko kasi siya ni di ko magagalaw ng matagalan tong phone ko. Haha. Anyway, my concern is.. Minsan, hindi ko na maintindihan yung parents niya. Hindi ko alam kung nasasabi ko lang ba to ngayon dahil nalungkot akong wala na naman siya or what. Basta ngayon, naiisip ko.. "Bakit hindi nila hayaan yung anak nila na maging independent naman at maging malaya kahit papano?" Hindi ko rin naman sinasabing nasasakal siya sa parents niya ngayon.. Ano lang, yung mga restrictions kasi, feeling ko sobra na. Naaawa ako sa sarili ko kasi sarili kong boyfriend, hindi ko makasama ng ayos. Sakanya rin, naaawa ako. Alam kong palagi niyang gusto na makasama ako ng mas matagal pa. Pero palaging bawal. Kung oo man, nako. Minsan lang din mangyari.

Naiinggit lang ako sa mga couple na nasa paligid ko. Palagi silang magkasama, nakakapagovernight, nakakapagbonding ng isang buong araw, etc. to the the point na parang sanay na sila sa isa't isa sa sobrang dami. Samantalang ako, minsan ko lang talaga siya makasama. Kaya everytime na magkasama kami, I always seize the moment. Every moment. Kaya wag siya magtaka kung bakit sobra sobrang sweet ko pag magkasama kami. Pwsh, kahit pala palagi, sweet parin ako. Haha.

Gusto ko lang, makasama pa siya ng mas maraming beses. Pero kung hindi naman, naguguluhan man ako minsan kung bakit ganon ang parents niya.. Iintindihin ko kasi mahal ko sila. Kailangan ko intindihin kasi alam ko naman na "Parents know best." Kung yun talaga ang way ng pagpapalaki nila sa boyfriend ko, rerespetuhin ko yun. Masakit lang talaga minsan para sakin na hindi siya masyadong makasama pero mahal ko siya, kaya kakayanin ko. Kahit gaano pa katagal o kahaba yung agwat ng di namin pagkikita, tatanggapin ko lang ng tatanggapin. Wala eh, mahal ko siya eh kaya kahit anong problema pa dumating diyan.. kakayanin ko. Alam kong may magandang kapalit din lahat ng to.. balang araw. :)

Thank you God! Smile lang ng smile. :)

Stuck in the moment.

I was being jealous again of the girls he used to akdjslsnkss. I always tell him "Wag ka mangbababae sa event ah." Natatawa nga ako eh, feeling ko kasi pag nasa event siya at wala ako.. sa ibang babae na siya tumitingin. Yung tipong napupunta yung interest niya sa iba. Oo, ayoko nun. Tawa nalang.

Basta about yan dyan. Medyo nakalimutan ko na kasi. Yung moment na yun lang yung di ko nakakalimutan up until now. ❤. It really made me stop talking and realized that I was being childish again. Ako lang naman talaga ang mahal niya. Sakin nalang naman siya nakatingin ngayon. I was just making my own thoughts that time that's why I nagged. I will never forget that time, that 3-second moment of my life..

THAT KISS. ❤

One of the sweetest things he ever did. ❤

Today, we were together almost the whole day. Of course I was very happy because we had our own bonding time again, girlfriend-boyfriend wise. Haha!

It was after we ate our second bacsilog. He played Jam's guitar playing random chords (w/ a little singing). He just strumed, strumed, and strumed. Then I requested if he could sing a song for me. *aegyo* But he said he'a out of songs and was not used to playing guitar anymore. I suddenly came up with a joke, "Buti pa si Clang, nakakantahan mo." Then slept for a few minutes. I was not mad at him or anything. It was just a mere joke. :). I was surprised when I woke up and he told me that he already have a song for me. I was very touched because he was damn serious. Then he played it: "It Will Rain by Bruno Mars". Awwwww. Thankyou ming. ❤. I kissed and hugged him after. It felt like a fairytale.

I was damn touched. I'm proud to call him my boyfriend. ❤

Happy 1st month, ming.

July 18, 2012. First month namin as mag-on na talaga, officially. Syempre sobrang saya ko lang kasi sawakas, nagkaron na ako ng matinong kamonthsary. Nung hs kasi, puro joketime lang pero ofcourse sa puso, hindi. :). Anyway, naeexcite na talaga ako para sa pagkikita namin ngayong araw kasi may mini surprise ako para sakanya. Gumawa ako ng collage ng pictures namin sa isang picture frame. Tapos may letter pa yon sa likod. Wala na akong pake kahit mapa-effort pa ako. Kung para sakanya lang din naman, wala yon. I know kasi that I will be able to make him happy once makita niya yon. :). I know..

Ang kulit lang nung bago kami magkita. Tinawagan ko pa siya habang pa-quirino palang siya tapos di na namin binaba. Hinintay ko na hanggang sa makarating siya dito sa dorm. Syempre, sobrang saya ko na non! Happy 1st month, Ming! Mas naexcite pa ako nung ibibigay ko na sakanya yung gift ko. Praise God, natuwa talaga siya at hinding hindu ko makakalimutan yung sinabi niyang "Ang effort mo, ming." Ewan ko, feeling ko yun yung thank you niya sakin. Ang sarap lang pakinggan. :).

After, we cuddled. Yun lang ginawa namin hanggang sa magtime na para mag p.e ako. Nag p.e lang ako saglit tapos babalikan ko nalang siya sa dorm. Medyo late pa nga ako nakarating pauwi kasi naligaw pa yung driver ni Maine tapos ang lakas lakas pa ng ulan. 

After p.e.. Kinita ko na rin ulit siya dito sa dorm. Wala, nganga lang kami pareho. Natulog lang kami. Haha. Kawawa. Pero ayun, masaya naman na ako basta andyan lang siya. Yung presence palang niya, ok na sakin yun. :). Then ayun, soon umuwi na rin siya.

Thank you for the time, ming! Wala man tayong ginawa masyado outdoor ngayong monthsary natin, masasabing kong nag-enjoy ako kasi kasama kita. Iloveyou ming! ❤

HAPPY 1st MONTH AGAIN! ❤

There it goes again.

And so I thought everything is going to be perfect, a problem shows up again. It hurts, really. It seems like there are no perfect LONG time to be with him.

Despite of this fact, I have to believe that wrong things are always replaced by better ones. I know I'll be perfectly happy soon.. I know. :)

Reality, hard but worth it. :)

Bakit ganon, pag may plano kaming magkita, palagi nalang hindi nasusunod yung planong oras? :/. Wala lang. Nakakadown lang kasi I always expect. Pero palaging hindi nangyayari. Like kunyare, may usapan kaming magkikita kami bigla nalang uulan ng napakalakas (kagaya ngayon) tapos may iba siyang gagawin na akala ko saglit lang, eh medyo matagal pala. Haha.

Siguro nga, kailangan ko na tanggapin yung fact na busy na tao talaga si Nigel. I'm happy for him actually kasi active siya sa school at sa lahat ng ginagawa niya. Tumatanda na rin kasi tayo eh. Kailangan na natin maging seryoso sa mga bagay bagay. Kailangan nang tingnan ang realidad na, wala nang laro laro at wala na tayo sa stage na yon. And oo, kailangan na rin talaga niya magconcentrate sa studies niya lalo na't may pinanghahawakan siyang scholarship. Sabi nga niya, do or die ang laban. Hindi siya laro na may replay button. Pag natalo, tapos na.. wala na. Kaya kailangan ko siya suportahan dun. Alam ko namang kayang kaya niya yun! :)

Yep, so that's it. I'll just go with the flow and do my best not to be a burden to him. Gagawin ko yung best ko para mapakita sakanya na andito lang ako at susuporta sa lahat ng bagay na ginagawa at gagawin niya. Sa ngayon, hindi ko muna dapat isipin ang pangsariling kaligayahan ko na makasama siya. Ang importante, yung maging successful siya sa buhay niya. Once na maabot na niya lahat ngyon, magiging ok din naman ang lahat. :).

Kaya Ming, fighting lang ng fighting! Magtiwala ka lang sa sarili mo at malayo ang mararating mo. Gagawin ko rin yung best ko.. para maging mabuting girlfriend mo. :) ILOVEYOU! ❤

Ano ba talaga?

Okay, medyo nalabuan lang ako sa sarili ko. Sabi ko sa last post ko, "he ALWAYS makes me feel secure-- blah blah." Pero may nirarant ako dun sa last last post ko. Hahaha. Labo lang, te? 😁. Hmm. Basta, syempre naman mas lumalamang parin yung pagmamahal na pinapakita niya sakin. May mga times lang talaga na masyado ko pinag-iisipan mga bagay bagay. Haaaay, yun lang.

:3

You already did, Ming. ♥

A while ago, we're talking via text. You know what, I can never compare his sweetness to any other guy in this world. He's just.. TOO SWEET. He always makes me feel secure in his presence. He always makes me feel that I'm the only girl he would love, this much. *Sighs* I realized that our love life is like those in fairy tales. We try our bests to show how much we care and love each other. There are almost no "away" at all. We are positive thinkers, we understand each other when one commits a mistake, we don't let these little things ruin our own perspectives about the relationship, so I guess that's why. I'm really happy to what's happening with our relationship right now. Since I said yes and accepted him as my boyfriend, I could really feel that what we have became stronger than ever. We now value and appreciate each other's company even more. 

*Okay cut. I'm on the phone right now. (Talking to him.) Teehee~*

Anyway, (Still talking to him) As I was saying.. we were talking through text earlier. We were talking about "us" again. Those were the moments I cherished the most. Why? Simply because those moments or simple messages are my proofs that he loves-- Okay, why am I depending on words? I should depend more on actions, right? Haha. Well I guess I just want to read those messages over and over again. ♥. Okay, I'm really not getting to the point here. As I was saying (again), we were talking through text. At one point, I got to tell him that going to many places is the perfect date for me. I also told him that I would be the happiest girl in the world if that ever happens. I know that will happen one of these days, or years. Then he replied, "Someday ming. I will make you the happiest girl in the world."

I was truly touched when I read that because I know he means it. But you know what ming? You already made me the happiest girl in the world. In those countless times and moments I was with you, or simply just by talking to you.. I am the happiest girl. I felt genuine happiness when I'm with you, ming. Even just by thinking of you and your ways of loving me, makes me happy. That's how happy I am, ming. I don't care how many times I say "happy" here but it's true..

I'M HAPPY BECAUSE GOD GAVE ME YOU.  I THANK HIM FOR THAT.

I really hope that this relationship will last. We are still young and I know that we still have our own priorities but.. I will do my best to make this all work so when the right time comes, I could say that we have build the strongest foundation. ♥

Sometimes.. I just feel.. *sighs*

Minsan talaga, may kakaiba sakanya. Ngayon ko lang naisip to lahat. Wala lang, di ko rin alam. Sometimes, he just makes me feel that I'm less of a priority to him. I don't want to sound selfish.. That's just what I really feel.

I know I'm overeacting again. Ang lalim ko na naman mag-isip. Kanina, hindi man lang siya nagsabi sakin na kakain pala siya with friends, eh minsan ko na nga lang siya makasama. Ako kasi, gusto ko talaga imaximize yung time naming dalawa para sa isa't isa. 1 hour is a very big thing for me already. Yung tipong madagdagan lang ng onteng oras pagsasama namin, masaya na ako. SOBRANG SAYA. Tapos neto lang, kung di ko pa siya ippm sa fb na replyan ako, di nya ako rereplyan just because he's doing something in the internet while ako, nag-aaral yet.. Nakakapagreply naman sakanya ng ayos. :/. These past few days, palagi nalang niya ako late nasasabihan ng mga bagay bagay. Ok, I'm really becoming the demanding person here. I don't know, I'm the happiest person kasi pag magkasama/magka-usap kami. Kaya ganto ako. Haaay, wala akong pinagkaiba sa ibang babae eh, nakakainis. Jan naman, palibhasa ba naging boyfriend mo na yung tao, ganyan ka na?

Actually, I always understand him naman. After he said his side, ok lang ako ng ok lang (Ok naman talaga). Ewan ko, minsan lang kasi parang iba na sakin. Sa mga ginagawa nya, It somehow bothers me. I don't exactly know kung pano, but I'm pretty sure.. It bothers me. Worst part? He doesn't know what I feel. I guess, not even a clue.

Naiintindihan ko siya, palagi naman eh. At willing ako intindihin siya kasi naiintindihan ko naman talaga. May parang hole lang na kelangan fill-upan. Ganon yung feeling. Minsan kasi, hindi rin nya alam yung nagagawa niya. Ok lang yun sakin kasi ganon naman din akong tao yun nga lang, sa ibang paraan.

I want to get the exact words if what I feel right now. Hmm. Let me think.. Ah!

Si Nigel, minsan kulang parin para sakin. Siguro kasi.. MASYADO LANG AKO MAGMAHAL.

^Got it. Wewwww. Okay, gonna study again. :). Thank You God. Chao!

</3

Crying right now. Nakakainis naman kasi siya, di siya nagrereply o sumasagot sa mga tawag ko. Di ko alam kung bakit hindi ko siya kayang intindihin ngayon if ever he fell asleep. Hindi lang kasi ako mapakali na ganon yung last text niya sabay hindi na magrereply. Parang nang-iwan lang siya sa ere.
DAY 2 isn't very good.

Finally, it happened. He's now officially mine. ❤

Sorry for a day late post.

At last! Him and I are official! I'm so happy because many were happy for us. I could say that we have build a good foundation before we reach at this point. He actually waited for me for a year and almost 6 months (5 months and 18 days to be exact). I know it wasn't hard for him to wait because i also have showed him what I truly feel towards him, and it was all positive.

Yesterday, nagdecide na akong sagutin siya. It was actually planned last week pa. I know that 18 would be a great number for our relationship, my mom said so too. She said that in our number, which is 18, I will be the one who would make the relationship go further because of my patience and attitude. Of course, I don't want to let my mother down and will try to prove that this relationship will last with me, being matured, and responsible enough. Here's how it happened:

June 18, 2012.. I woke up with an excitement in my heart because I knew that by the end of the day, he's going to be officially mine. I had my regular classes and lunch with friends.. But after that, things were different. I went to Sm Manila to buy something for him. I have already decided that I will buy him a bracelet from Silverworks (Just like what he gave me during the overnight after my debut). Luckily and Priase almighty God, I found it. Too bad kasi wala na tung katulad ng akin pero ayos lang. I found a better bracelet for him. Just like mine, but plain. Para mas panglalaki. And so, I bought it. I also bought a box so I could keep it safe and secured. I happily went back to taft and start preparing myself.. emotionally. Yeah, I was just in my school long sleeves and pajamas. Before 5pm, Jam and Kim got out of the room so that we could have privacy.

At ayan na siya. He called me pa bago siya pumasok. The hell. HAHA. Everthing went normal. We just talk about how each other's day went and so on. Tapos nung nagyaya na siya kumain, I told him, "Ay wait! May bibigay pala ako sayo! Nakita ko lang kanina eh feeling ko bagay sayo" (Patay malisya pa). He was the one who opened the box but I was the one who got the bracelet inside and nagsoot sakanya. "Ming, sinasagot na kita. Tayo na." with a smile while looking at him. Alam mo sabi niya? "Weh? Di nga ming? Omo~" At ayun, omo lang siya ng omo. (Omo = Short term for ohmygod).

I laughed because I was really happy, truly truly happy. I hugged him tight.. I was almost teary-eyed because finally, after a year and few months, he's mine. ❤ OFFICIALLY MINE. I don't need to hide my true-est feelings, to worry or to ask myself random questions anymore. He's mine, that means we are now capable of much bigger and deeper things about our relationship. Yun lang yung tanging magbabago samin. I promise naman na hindi ako magbabago sa mga tao, lalong lalo na sa mga kaibigan ko just because I had a boyfriend. I will still be ME. The Jan whom everyone knew.

There, I guess from yesterday's event, it will now be easier for the two of us. I'm happy because many are happy for us.. especially my most beloved family and friends. Thank You God for making everything worth waiting for. Thank You for giving us the patience and didn't let anyone or anything fall us apart. Thank You for this one genuine love I have found in him, Nigel Descalzo.

The prologue is finished, now let's move on to the first chapter of our love story. ❤

Last Day

Today will be the last day I'm single. It's been a very very long time. I've been single since the day I was born. Of course, I can't have a boyfriend at a young age so that doesn't count. HAHA.

I just wonder what it feels like to have a boyfriend. Well at one way or another, I think I already knew the feeling. He's been with me since the day we went along well. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, first day palang yun. In other words, he's been with me since the day I met him. He's there whenever I needed him, negative man yan o positive. I just can't compare him with anyone else. He's different, he has something special within him. He's.. my beloved one.

I just hope everything would turn out great! Magaway man kami, I hope maging lesson lang yun palagi for us. I want to be matured, God. Matured enough so that out relationship will last.

I want to be the girl who would be there for him and push him towards his dreams. I WANT TO BE THAT GIRL.

Last day na to, I hope wala masyadong magbabago at maging totoo lang kami sa isa't isa. :)

He got pissed.

Today, he got pissed on me. I really say the things I want without thinking first. Like what mommy said, attitude ko talaga yun. As we were laying under our fan, we cuddled up and we suddenly talked about those "things". I was beginning to be carried away by my emotions and said "Lahat naman ng lalaki, pare-pareho pagdating sa bagay na yun." Worst part? I was saying it like I really mean it (Well, I actually do.) He tried to convince me that not every guy, especially him I suppose, is like what I've told him. I i just blah him out, the main reason why he got pissed. Maybe, what he's trying to say is true.. Eto lang akong nag-inarte at pinanindigan yung sinabi ko sakanya.

Of couse, he turned around and didn't talk to me for a while. I was acting strong but I just can't stay mad at him.. Or anything like what is happening that time. =__=. "Oh, please.. Look at me" I said to myself. But there were no signs. So I lessen my pride and talked to him. Yeah, he's pissed. Sobrang nagguilty tuloy ako sa sinabi ko. Lalo na pinagdiinan ko pa na ganon talaga lahat ng lalaki. Well, you can't blame me. Whenever I stalk his profiles, hindi pwedeng walang ganong type of subscription meron sya. Sometimes, he tends to talk dirty pa. Haay. Natturn-off kasi ako sa lalaki pag ganon, sa totoo lang. Then I told him "May pinaghugutan siguro kaya ko nasabi yun PERO HINDI KO ALAM KUNG SAAN." What the hell Jan, it's so clear kung saan galing. Maybe, ayoko nalang kasi ng gulo kaya di ko na sinabi sakanya at nagsorry nalang ako.

Good thing about him is that, he can't stay mad or pissed on me. He actually said he's sorry too. Hindi rin daw niya alam kung bakit siya nainis agad. Well I can answer that, big boy. Maybe because.. Hindi ka nga talaga isa sakanila. You're one of the guys who always mean what they say kaya nasaktan ka sa sinabi ko. Thank you. Thank you for always making me feel important. ❤

Natapos naman yun ng okay. I mean, walang samaan ng loob. Ganon lang naman kami magtampuhan nun, hindi masyadong pinapalaki kasi wala namang mararating na maganda. :).

THANK YOU FOR THIS DAY GOD. I was happy. :)

Nothing more, nothing less.

Meron akong problema ngayon. Well, hindi naman problema talaga pero palagi ko sya naiisip these days. This guy named ____ likes me a lot. Well, that's what they say. Nakikita ko naman din talaga yun. Gusto niya ako pero may iba na akong gusto. I don't know kung bakit ako ganto. Bakit ganto ako may pake sakanya. Maybe because kasama siya sa group of friends namin? Maybe nga.. Kaya hindi ko siya kaya basta bastang saktan. He had done a lot of good things to me already. Sobrang bait at caring niyang tao.

Ok, It all started with a friend of mine telling me na nagtatampo siya. Hindi ko raw kasi siya kinukwentuhan. So nagtaka ako akala ko kung ano yun. Yun pala, yung about nga kay ______. Sobrang nagulat ako na nalaman niya na nag "loveyou" ako sakanya. Well, hindi naman nagulat dahil nalaman niya talaga. Nagulat lang ako sa fact na binibig deal pa pala yun. Eh pati naman kina Ino at Ola, sinasabi ko yun. Sa mga guy friends ko. Pero eto ang problema ko, SARILI KO LANG INIISIP KO. I didn't even think twice to say those words to the guy who has a crush on me like forever. It just shows that I really don't think about him and his feelings for me. SOBRANG TANGA KO AT GINAWA KO YUN NANG DI NAG-IISIP. Syempre what do you expect na gagawin niya? He made a big deal out of it and start telling my closest friends and other people. Ang lalabas, may gusto na rin ako sakanya.. which is not true.

Okay, aaminin ko. Sa mga ginagawa niya, nafflatettered ako. He's a guy with a lot of surprises kasi kaya I really appreciate the things he does. Pero hanggang dun lang yun. All I can give in return is my gratitude, nothing else, nothing more than that. In some ways, naaawa ako sakanya. Kasi kahit anong gawin niya, he could never take me away from the one I love. Now here's the thing:

I don't know what to do. Maybe I have options.. but I don't know what to choose and how to handle it.

This friend of mine said "Hayaan mo nalang. Alam naman niya na wala na talaga kahit anong gawin niya." Nung nalaman ko to, naisip ko "oo nga naman." Pwede ko siyang hayaan kasi kung dun siya sumasaya eh, gratitude nalang ibabalik ko sakanya. Pero this another friend of mine said "Straighten things out." Kausapin ko raw, deretsuhin na na wala talaga. Pwede rin. Para matagil na laat ng to. Para wala nang maisip mga tao tsaka siya mismo. Pero I know  by that, magkakabad record kami bilang mag kaibigan. Those two options have a very good point.. oo. Pero hindi ko alam kung ano yung tamang gawin. Kung ako naman ang tatanungin eto ang tingin ko.

I think I just to understand him at hayaan lang siya gawin ang gusto niyang gawin. I will always be nice to him naman, hindi yung tipong babaliwalain ko lang lahat ng ginagawa niya. PERO I still need to at least make him feel that.. friends nalang talaga kami. I need him to genuinely accept that fact and move on. Since friends naman kami ngayon, WE CAN ALWAYS STAY THAT WAY. I will even support him in everything he will do especially when it comes to his love life. Willing naman ako dun. Just like to my other friends.  So in conclusion.. Hahayaan ko siya because I know he knows what he's doing but still try to remind him that I already have my own love. Syempre kahit alam na niya yun, he still needs to see proofs that I'm already happy with someone else. Alam ko namang matured enough siya para tanggapin yun.

Hey you, I just want to thank you for everything. I appreciate every single thing of the things you show me, but friends is friends.. Nothing more, nothing less. >:D<. 

OA HA. ANG OA TALAGA JAN.

Haaay, thursday night ngayon. Last day of school kaya umuwi na papuntang Laguna. Habang nasa bus, ok.. I cried like an idiot. Not just because of the reason but the hell, I was doing it inside the bus. In a public place. HAHA. I didn't expect na mangyayari yun. Umiyak ako kasi this "post", inopen neto sakin lahat lahat. Parang dun ako nagsimula mag-isip. Yun yung post niya about sunny's big b----. Ideretso na natin. Dahil dun, kung anu-ano na pumasok sa isip ko.
Napansin ko kasi, (actually matagal na) na palagi nalang niyang bukambibig ang iba't ibang babae. Here's the funny part, sila yung tipong stars talaga. Although may times parin na sina ate Jobel, ate Kitty, ate Sangmi etc. Naisip ko lang na, hindi ba ako enough sakanya? Am I not pretty enough for him to be contented? Pwsh. OO naman. Alam kong hindi, ano ba Jan. HAHA. Pero kasi everytime na ganon siya, nanliliit ako. It's like parang ang dami daming kulang sakin. Hm. Alam mo napaparamdam niya sakin na HINDI LANG AKO YUNG NAG-IISANG BABAE SA BUHAY NIYA. Sa mga ginagawa niya, feeling ko madami kaming minamahal niya malalim man yung pagmamahal na yun sa iba o hindi. Alam ko man na ako talaga yung  mahal niya eh, pero nadodown parin ako in a way. Yung fact na he talks and spazzs about other girls.. it hurts. </3. Yun din ang eksaktong dahilan kung bakit naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Kasi parang walang kwenta oh.. Pero bakit kasi nabbother ako ng ganto?

 Ayoko i-open to kay Nigel to. Hindi ko kayang gawin yun. Alam ko na namang hindi magiging maganda maiisip niya at sasabihan lang niya akong parang tanga. Totoo, para akong tanga. Pero eto kasi yung nararamdaman ko eh at nahihirapan akong pigilan yun. Mianheyo. Sabi nga ni kuya Joyeth, natural lang naman to kasi mahal mo yung tao. Syempre andun yung pagiging selosa at insecure mo pagdating sakanya. Pero ang payo niya sakin, kalimutan nalang muna lahat kasi walang mararating pag inaway ko lang siya about dito. Oo naman, yun naman talaga balak kong gawin. :). Kasi sabi ko nga "Kung alam mong walang kwenta yung reason mo para awayin siya, edi wag mong gawin. :)."
I'm okay now.. I'll just forget everything and still love him. Siya nalang bahala magpatunay na.. mahal rin talaga niya ako at ako lang. Wala nang iba~

Overjoyed.

Yes, that is what I feel right now. I will forever consider myself  lucky because God has given me someone with a genuine heart. A heart that is true and pure especially when it comes to his loved ones.
Just now, he posted something on his wall showing the world how much he loves his mother. Honestly, I have never seen someone like him.. A guy who would post a picture of him and his mother and say the sweetest words? Ugh. If I were his mother, I would really be happy and thank God that He has given me a son, like him. I know that his family in the near future, especially his wife, will be lucky to have him because of his kind personality. I'm not saying that he has a perfect attitude, he slack off sometimes.. but he has a PURE HEART. I  know he has.
He is really special. I can see something within him that I simply can't compare with anything or anyone in this world.
That's the reason why I loved him this much.. and by the time that he's officially mine, I WILL NEVER EVER LET HIM GO. Never.

First stupid fight.

        Well, yesterday was our first fight ever (Puro tampuhan lang kasi talaga yung dati). I didn't expect any of these kahapon. I was very bored dito sa bahay kaya nagdecide akong sumama kay ate mav kasi pupunta siya sa practice ni kuya Joyeth (her boyfriend). I thought he was also there that's why I agreed and came with her. I was really excited because I know he will be shocked to see me. Makikipagkita naman talaga ako sakanya nun eh kaso canceled kasi di' na kami nakapag-enroll ni Jam. Kaya extra-shocked talaga. Yung tipong may butterflies na ako sa stomach, byahe palang. Ate mav then asked me to buy some food for him because she will be buying some for kuya Joyeth too. At first, ayoko kasi hindi ko naman ginagawa sakanya yun. FIRST TIME 'to pero naisip ko na wala namang masama dun. Kaya ayun, I bought him food. Because of that, more butterflies were in my stomach! Gaaaaaah! As soon as we reached 6th floor, sobrang kinakabahan na talaga ako pero more on masaya kasi I will be able to see him kahit hindi naman talaga dapat. :).

         Sina Jade yung unang bumati sakin tapos nakita ko lumapit agad si ate Mav kay kuya Joyeth. I tried to look for  him and saw him practicing. Oh well, maybe he didn't see me. HAHA. Nung medyo matagal na kong andun, (I was waiting for him to notice), finally, lumapit na siya samin. He hugged ate Mav.. syempre, nag-expect ako na ako na yung kasunod nun. I really wanted to hug him already because I really missed him. Pero ayun, HE JUST LOOKED AT ME, TINAASAN AKO NG KILAY TO GREET, AT BUMALIK NA SA PRACTICE. I was like.. whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!? Hahaha. Yes, I know it was just a joke but I ain'y laughing. Instead, nainis ako sakanya. Alam mo yung feeling na nag-effort ka bumyahe, bumili ng pagkain  for him na first time kong gagawin tapos ganon yung salubong niya sakin? I don't know if I'm just being oa or what but I really didn't like his stupid joke. Nung medyo tumagal tagal na, di parin niya talaga ako pinapansin kaya dun ko naisip na.. did I do something wrong for him to be mad at me? I talked to kuya Joyeth about it. Pero it ended up nag tawanan lang kami. HAHA. His wagas faces really made me laugh. Ayun.. then I told myself, "Ah, ganyanan pala ah. Sige lang." I was not being hard or something, NO. Na pissed off lang talaga ako. After nun, tumayo na ko agad because I saw in my pv that he was approaching me.  He grabbed my hand and finally talked to me. Tiningnan ko siya at sinabi niyang sorry. Pero I was very mad at him kaya I told him "Mamaya mo na ko kausapin." and pushed him away. I walked out and sat beside kuya Karl. Nanggigigil talaga ako nun. I tried to laugh pero this time, fake na lahat yun kasi.. masakit sakin gawin sakanya yun. Ngayon lang kasi talaga nangyari lahat to. 

          Then after a while, without talking or even an eye contact, umalis siya. I want to run after him pero naunahan ako ng hiya. Bumaba siya, bibili daw pala ng tubig. While he was away, I talked to Raymond. Sobrang awkward, grabe. Bakit kaya? Kasi matagal na kaming di nag-uusap? HAHA. Ayun, I tried to keep him company. Nung lumabas siya, I even followed him there and talked to him. Then nakita ko na naman sa PV ko na parating si Nigel. I looked at him and he gave this rose. Sobrang nagulat ako nun. Tinanong ko siya bakit kailangan niya pa bumili nun. He said "Sorry" once again. Tapos yung guard, pinaalis kami dun bigla at ayun, umalis ako at bumalik ng studio. I thought he was going to follow me pero pag tingin ko, andun  parin siya. Then I saw him going to the restroom. Jade told me to run after him and I saw him punched the wall. 

O___O <-- my reaction.

I followed him hanggang sa boy's cr. Nakita ko pa dun si kuya Karl, natawa kami pareho. HAHA. Ayun, I tried makipag-ayos na sakanya. Kinuha ko na yung rose. Ayokong nakikita siyang ganon sa totoo lang. Sorry ming~ 

Okay na, paalis na kami lahat. Medyo may awkwardness parin between samin pero yeah, napatawad ko na siya. Hindi ko lang talaga siya makausap because of what I saw earlier. Nag-usap pa nga sila ni Ate Mariel eh bago kami bumaba ng elev. Then I found out that, nanghiram muna siya kay ate kasi ginastos niya lahat ng pera niya for the rose. Ate Mav even got mad at me and told me that I should talk to him now. Dahil dun, nilapitan ko na siya and tried talking to him. Okay na. Mas naging ok nung sabay kaming umuwi. Hahatid daw niya ako hanggang buendia but I decided to stop at empire first and eat. Nag ministop kami then nagpunta nang empire. Doon, kumain kami at nagka-ayos na. We cuddled and kissed. As a sorry I guess. 

And that ended our stupid first fight.

I gotta say, It wasn't easy for me getting mad at him for that reason. I just followed what I feel but of course hindi ko naman hahayaang magtagal yun. I just think I needed a little time to relax first before talking to him again. I didn't even say sorry.. Ugh. Dito ko nalang ilalabas: Sorry ming  if I acted that way. I acted childish and gone mad just because of that. I expected kasi masyado kaya nagalit ako ng ganon. Nag-expect ako na you will greet me with an open arms and hugged me tight because you missed me. I EXPECTED kasi. Next time talaga dapat hindi na para hindi ako nagagalit ng ganon sayo. Ayoko na nun. I don't wanna see that gloomy and sad face ever again. I will try my best. 

And remember, I still love you with all my heart. Nothing could ever change that.

Making a big deal out of every single thing, every single time.

I gotta say, I am really lucky with my parents. They always let us do what we want and never accused us. Hindi naman yung tipong kahit ano talaga. Pero alam mo yun, basta masaya kami.. masaya sila. :). Pinapangaralan lang nila kami them kami na bahala. Pero we never took that for granted. We still have our respect for our parents. Malaki lang talaga mga tiwala nila samin. Thank you GOD. Well as for him, he never gets what he truly wants when "parents" are involved. Making a big deal on late night conversations during vacation? What the hell's wrong with them? Oh no no no no, I shouldn't say those kind of words but instead, respect their decisions. They are parents and I know they have the best intentions for their children. It's just that.. sometimes they seem to be too much. TOO MUCH that comes to the point na parang nasasakal na siya. I really feel sorry for him, I really do. Nakikita ko rin kasi talaga yung kahigpitan ng parents niya. I think I know the feeling kasi naiimagine ko na pano kung ganon din kahigpit ang parents ko? Alam ko kasi yung other side kaya feeling ko talaga, mahirap yung opposite. Tssss.


Because of this, naisip ko tuloy yung magiging future (here we go again) children ko. I promise to myself that I would treat them just like how my parents treated me. I know the feeling kasi and I gotta say, it is GREAT! Sa kanya naman, I know he would go with the same decision like mine because he had been there and wouldn't want it to be experienced by our children. Nanggaling na siya dun eh, gugustuhin pa ba nya yun maulit ulit sa magiging mga anak namin? Of course not.


So you guys, our children in the future, YOU ARE ONE LUCKY SIBLINGS. Seriously. >:D.

Future.

Sometimes, I just open random things to him.. just like yesterday. Well, I'm always random. Pero may laman nga daw palagi yung pagkarandom ko, sabi niya. HAHA. Ayun, kahapon (pagkatapos  ata namin manood ng movie nun) I opened about the things I would want by the time we're married. Yeah, I know mabilis.. pero wala namang masamang mag-imaimagine di'ba? Pero yun talaga yung gusto ko if ever nga. :). 

Want I want for my future family.. What I want for us. :)

• I wanna live in a subdivision.. a village to be exact. Feeling ko kasi magka-iba yun. HAHA. Near Manila dapat. Pero second option: a condo unit. :)
• I want our house to be colored bage, baige, bayge, however you spell that, yellow and brown. (I don't know, relaxing kasi siguro para sakin yang mga kulay na yan)
• Of course, gusto ko may second floor That's where our room and our children's room stay.
• May terrace where I could put a piano or something.
• Children? Hmm. Dalawa lang. One boy, one girl and I would very much prefer if the boy is older.
• Rooms? Gusto ko sossy yung bed namin. Kumbaga andun yung aura of "master's bedroom" If you know what I mean. Tapos for the kids naman, I want it blue then has 2 single beds na magkatabi. Tapos maraming kiddie stickers sa wall. Just like in typical movies. 
• A dog that will play around with us. Yung tipong tatagal talaga samin and will be a member of the family na rin.
• Every summer, I want to go out of town with them. (Ex: Bohol, Boracay, Hongkong Disneyland)
• I want to be a housewife. Well not to just slack off but  because I wanna be the person that would take care of my family. I would want to raise my children and be a responsible mother/wife. Yung tipong makikita ko silang lumaki at hindi lalaki sa turo ng ibang tao just because I'm busy. I know every mother would want that.Sakanya naman, gusto ko maging loving and caring wife. Pagluluto ko siya pagdating niya from work, make him a nice warm bath etc. I won't do it kasi sugar mama ako. No. I will simply do it to show my love for him and how proud I am sakanya. :). 

Yan yung mga nabanggit ko sakanya kahapon. Pero ok lang naman sakin kung hindi ko makuha lahat yan eh. Sabi nga nila, hindi lahat ng gusto mo, makukuha mo. Pero of course, i will try my best because if you have the will, there's always a way. :).

Ayun. Sa totoo lang, simple lang naman ang gusto ko for my future..

I just want a loving family that would make me happy and make my life worth living. 

And I know God will give me one. :).

It has happened to me.

Nakuha ko lang sa twitter to. :3.


Well yeah, it has happened to me. I was not looking for anyone nung time na nagmeet kami. In fact, medyo depress pa ko nun kasi kaka "hiwalay" ko lang dun sa last ko bago siya. Hindi ko siya boyfriend ah! Let's just say.. kaM.U ko noon. I really thought I loved him. Pero sobrang infatuated lang pala ako nun. Like I said, I was not looking for something that time. So here's what happened:


       One LAZY afternoon, while bumming out on bed, my sister approached my twin sister asking her if she could join her during the weekends to choreograph a cover group of Super Junior (13seouls). Well, I was not excited or anything when I heard that.. more like, curious. So I listened to their conversation: During that time, Jam just got of the hospital cause of dengue. That's the reason why she rejected Ate's favor. Yes, she asked me too but I also rejected her because I was TOO lazy to go out. HAHAHA. (what a reason). But Ate Mariel suddenly said these "words" that convinced me to say YES. Ate's pretty good at that. It's like she has this gayuma or something. Darn. Well there you go, I said yes and came with her to Quezon Ave. That's a pretty far place from home.. I learned to love that simple "yes" because I was really stunned sa Manila. Ako kasi yung tipong hindi naman magala. Kaya ayun.. I had so many "first-times" It was my first time to went out of town with my sister alone, to see the city of Quezon and to.. ride a train. Grabe, halos mamatay na ako sa saya nun. Haha. I was thankful pa kay ate na ako yung sinama niya at hindi si Jam. :)). Ayun, she was making phone calls that time to meet up with 13seouls' teukie. Magmmeet daw kami sa Trinoma, food court. Ako naman tong si sama lang ng sama. 


    Then ayun, hindi ko alam na.. I would meet my prince charming there. Yung taong sobrang importante na sakin ngayon. Yung taong magbibigay sakin ng genuine happiness. 


The funny thing was.. umpisa palang nag-spazz na ako sakanya! HAHAHAHA. Well, hindi naman. Kumbaga nagwapuhan ako sakanya non. LOLOLOLOLOL. Pero hanggang dun lang yun. After nun, nakamove on naman ako agad. Then we went straight ahead to Brewing Point. This is where we practiced and all. Another first time: It was my first time to teach boys.. not to mention, pretty boys. One time, when we were all resting, I noticed him alone at the mirror side of the room. I sat down beside him and started asking him random questions. Ilang taon na siya, saan siya nakatira, anong year na niya, saan siya nag-aaral. Yes, those were the exact questions. Of course eto naman siyang si sagot. Then napasarap na kwentuhan namin. Dun na nagsimula ang tuksuhan and everything. "Getting to know you, getting to know you~" Yun pa tukso samin. Then things started to go so well. SO WELL. Nagkkwento na ako sakanya ng kung anu-ano. It was really easy to talk to him. He was very approachable and understanding. VERY. 


And that was the start of our journey. <3. 

Holding Hands

Hindi ko talaga matanto kung bakit masyadong malaki sakin yang issueng yan. Holding hands with your partner? Ano namang masaba dun diba? Pero bakit parang everytime he holds my hand in public.. naiilang ako? Minsan, nagagawa kong matagal.. actually these days kaya ko na. Pero dati.. andun talaga yung ilang at di mawala. Maybe because relationships ay very big deal talaga sakin. Siguro kinakabahan lang din kasi syempre.. first time ko. Wala pa namang humahawak ng kamay ko ng ganyan sa public. SIYA palang. You know? Kahit sure na kami sa isa't isa at okay naman kami, nahihirapan parin ako. BAKIT? Dahil kasi hindi ko pa maexpress sakanya ng BUONG-BUO kung gano sya kahalaga sakin. Para kasi sakin, SUPER importante ang relationship status. Oo, I admit our status is quite rasfdyangnaliejfoaeg. Wala kasing official. Doon ako nahihirapan. Sa state na.. "UNOFFICIALLY YOURS". For example, nasa public nga kami, tapos bigla nyang hahawakan yung kamay ko.. parang naiisip ko "Tama ba to? Eh hindi pa naman kami, bakit namin ginagawa to?" Yun yung nasa isip ko dati. Pero I realized pag kaming dalawa lang, sobrang showy ako sa nararamdaman ko. As ing aware din sya dun. It all states that.. I'm afraid to the public. It's not that I don't want them to know that "this is the guy I love" ANIYO. Yun nga yung pinaka hinihintay ko eh. Na mapakita sa lahat na siya yung pinili ko. Natatakot lang siguro ako para sa sarili kong image. Kumbaga, hindi pa naman dapat kasi hindi pa kami tapos padalos dalos ako. HMM. Kahit naman maging kami na, ayoko parin ng masyadong showy sa public eh. 

I HATE PDA's (Public Display of Affection)

Ayoko talaga nun. Pag nakakakita ako sa labas ng MASYADONG ganon, naiinis ako. Kaya bakit ko gagawin di'ba? Good thing we had the same perspective when it comes to PDA. Kaya wala akong problema. :)). WEEEEE~ Anyway, ayun. OK LANG SAKIN NA HAWAKAN NIYA YUNG KAMAY KO SA PUBLIC. MAHAL KO EH. PERO MAS MAGIGING OKAY AKO PAG KAMI NA TALAGA. Mas masarap kasi sa feeling yun.. di'ba? ^____^.

anong problema ko?

I think I'm being moody right now. takte, bipolar ata ako. haha. mabait tapos biglang magsusungit. what's wrong with me. wala naman siyang ginawang masama? he just said his goodbyes. infernes, believe ako sakanya. he knew something wrong was going on. am I really that obvious? maybe, yun nga. I don't know.. I still love him, of course. di naman nagbabago yun. HAHA.


esagfghlaskjdlas;fk. to tell you the truth, I was not satisfied sa paguusap namin ngayon. ang nakakatawa dun, normal lang naman na ganon haba ng usapan namin eh? maybe I just want to talk to him longer since summer vacation ngayon. It's okay, he has cough and cold anyway so it would be better for him not to stay up late. LOL. you know what? I told him earlier that he might think I'm a freak making a blog just to say the things I feel towards him. AM I A FREAK? because feeling ko, oo. hmmm. eh gusto ko lang naman may paglabasan ng feelings ko eh. at eto yun. a diary is not enough. there, I just write about the things I do everyday. In other words, my diary is more on the things I do than what I feel. kaya masaya ako may ganto na ako ngayon eh. :).


okay, somethings bugging me again. do you think he thinks that because of this blog.. I hide a lot of secrets from him? well, of course not. hindi naman sa ganon. lahat naman ng nararamdaman ko, alam niya at yun ang gusto ko. kumbaga, I will make sure that most of what I'm going to say sa blog na to, alam din nya. YES. THAT'S MY GOAL. ayoko yung tipong nagtatago sakanya. ANIYO. :).


GOODNIGHT, I'm gonna take off to bed I guess.

FACE PALM, no.. I want it FACE ASDFGHJKSAOHDKIGWD

so right now, we're talking over the phone. LOOOOL! buntikan ko na masabi sakanya yung pangalan ng blog! I'm dead if he knew. pero "duh" pwede ko naman baguhin diba. HAHAHA. anyway, you know what? ALAM NA NYA NA MAY BLOG AKO! stupid me. *face palm* ang bilis.. nakakainis.

Oh, FS.

HAHAHAHA. I was stalking his FS profile like 2 days ago and I saw this:

It was really funny seeing this post.. I can actually say those 3 words to him na pala even before he did (I guess). malakas lang loob ko kasi naka anonymous ako. :))). well I guess wala syang idea na ako yun because I was not showy nung mga panahong yan. all I showed him was that: I'm a friend and will always be there for him.. not that way. Before kasi, no "iloveyou's, mahal kita" etc. just plain 

SARANGHAE~ or SARANGHAEYO~

pag trip, may "yongwonhi" and I gotta say.. that makes it VERY special. :). kumbaga mega ":>" na ako nun. HAHAHAHAHAHA. (oh I just hate that kilig face) anw, marami pa akong nakitang imba sa FS niya. the time I stalked it, yun palang yung time na nalaman ko yung mga pinagsasabi nya dun about sakin. this post I will never forget: (nakita ko na rin to noon)

It was really.. akusgfuadofjvdodgvhiadkg. <--- hindi yan kilig ah, well of course meron. HAHA. pero ayun. I didn't expect he would say those things. really? he could actually write a novel just to say what he really feels about me? well right now, acceptable na yon. many things have happened already but during those times, madami pa kaming di alam. AS ING MARAMI PA. ngayon sa present kasi, we have learned a lot na. kumbaga, I could actually say that we are now matured enough because we already know each other's flaws. alam na namin kung ano yung dapat at hindi. pero syempre, hindi pa lahat at soon-to-be palang sila magpapakilala samin. :))).

just now, as ing just now, he texted me: "Oh, ano ginagawa mo ming?" I wanna say, writing things about you baby. HAHAHA. baby ampode. XD. osya, let's end it here. he's gonna call in a few. :). chao!