1am

And if there will come a time that you realize I'm still not enough after and despite everything.. 

So be it. 

Sa totoo lang

Naiinis lang ako sa fact na hindi stable tong nararamdaman ko. Kumbaga sa tiwala, hindi talaga. Minsan feeling ko wala naman siyang gagawing masama, pero minsan feeling ko rin na meron. Alam mo yun? Wala yung stable time na "sus, hindi yan." "Alam ko namang di nya ako lolokohin." "Sure na ako sakanya." Kahit nga yung "love ako niyan." Hindi sya stable at hindi ako natutuwa dun. Naiinis ako kasi panget tong ganto eh. 

Nakakainis lang. Kasi ang panget ng gantong klaseng relationship sa totoo lang. Kumbaga, hindi to magwowork kung di ka naman talaga masyado nagtitiwala sa partner mo. 

Honestly, gusto ko magtiwala. Yan yung gusto kong choice. Sobra. Pero may naghoholdback eh. Malamang dahil to sa mga nagawa niya sakin. Ang hirap ng ganto. Yung wala kang sense of security sa partner mo. Kumbaga parang lagi ka nalang nagaabang na lolokohin ka. Parang imbis na yung good future yung inaabangan mo, parang yung bad yung nasa isip mo. Kumbaga hindi ka talaga secured. 

Kaya lang naman ako nagsstay pa kasi syempre, love ko yun. Tsaka alam mo yung feeling na "alam mong may mangyayari pang magagandang bagay at magiging worth it din lahat" feeling. Kahit nung hindi pa kami, yung mga araw na hindi sya palagi pinapayagan sa mga lakad, sinasabi ko na talaga sa sarili ko yan. Na darating din yung araw na magiging okay na.

Ang lungkot lang kasi ganto ang tingin ko sa rel namin. Parang nagaabang nalang talaga ako na lolokohin din niya ako sa huli. Sa totoo lang din kasi, hindi priority ang tingin ko sa sarili ko pagdating sakanya eh. Parang second highest priority lang. Lalo na ngayon nasa abucay sya. Ni good morning wala na. Ni effort lang ata na icheck yung phone nya wala eh. Alam mo yun, parang wala lang talaga. 

Pero ayun. Hindi naman porket eto ang tingin ko, eto na yung totoo eh. Pero ewan. Nakakainis lang kasi wala yung "stable feeling" ko. Feeling ko palagi, niloloko na ako. Hindi ako secured. Sobrang hindi. 

Hindi ko alam kung sino ba may problema samin, siya ba or ako. 

I just wonder

I don't want to be demanding.. But sometimes it makes me feel sad because somewhat, I think that he's not that proud of me. Well, that's how I see it.
I envy those posts of some couples in facebook where they really show the world how much they really love each other. Don't get me wrong, I don't like it when it's "too much". Just a simple "Imissyou or Ilove this girl so much" blah blah blah could make me smile. Cause for me, it's one sign that you're the only one for him. Because duh, he shows the world (or at least his) how much he do and he's not afraid of it. He's not that type of person who doesn't post anything at all. I can say that I always see him on my ig's home. But why not about me? Is it because he's not proud of having me around and he just posts if it's really about an event or something? Ugghh okay, now I sound demanding. But swear, I'm not. I'm just wondering and that's the only reason I have. I swear to God. :).

But of course, I won't tell him about this. This is not a big deal anyways. It's just sometimes, I want to feel that, too. For my boyfriemd, he just posts when it's our monthsary, anniversary. valentine's or if something came up. Never ever random.

I wonder how happy a girl can get when she sees a surprise post of her guy saying how much he loves her. Let's admit, there are quite a lot everywhere in social media. HAHA. Still the feeling's quite amazing for sure. But yeah, I think that will never really happen to me cause he's not that type of guy. Well, it's alright. It's been like this since 2010. It's okay.. really. I'm just wondering.

~

I don't appreciate you,

I am cold,

It's as if I don't care,

It's as if I don't wanna talk to you,

I say mean things to you,

I don't even say those 3 words anymore, 

I come up with this non-ending dramas asking you to leave

I always, always push you away,

But still.. You stayed. 

It is

"I don't like the memories because the tears come easily,

And once again I break my promise to myself for this day. 

It's a constant battle. 

A war between remembering and forgetting."

Terrified

I'm terrified of losing you,

because people grow tired of girls like me,

and sometimes, I build my walls so high

and push others away when I need them most. I can be stubborn, moody and sad a lot. 

I'm a mess, a handful. 

I'm fire, and when you play with fire you have to expect to be burned. 

But when I burned you, it's not because I don't love you. 

It's because I'm a girl who's still learning how to handle my blaze of emotions.