That random Iloveyou

We were talking on the phone earlier. I'm not feeling good that time because of what happened at Mom's.

We talked talked talked. Ask each other's business. Haha. Then Tito talked to me about something. After that conversation with Tito...

He said to me "Ming." "Ne?" "Iloveyou."

I had to pause that time. It's been a while hearing a random iloveyou from him. I was happy. :)

But then, the phonecall stopped. Okay. :).

Why

God, why is this happening? I know there's always a reason why but this time, I want to know the reason. Is this how love really works? Despite all the happiness, promises, togetherness, it would still fall apart?

Right now, I HONESTLY don't know what to think already. He keeps telling me that he loves me, but there's something wrong. I may be just overthinking again and stuff but I'm not happy with this. I can't pretend anymore....

Why can't I just let go of the past? Why can't I just move on and look forward?

I wanna know something, God. But I don't know how and where to start. There's something missing in my heart. I really can't say what.. But I know there is.

Finally

Finally, he came back. :)

After 9 days, bumalik na siya. I gotta say, those 9 days were the SLOWEST 9 days of my life! It took forever! Hahaha. Pero ayun, ngayon ok na. Bumalik na siya. Nakakatawa nga eh kasi di naman niya ako sinurprise. Sinabi pa niya "Seeyou baby~ :*."

Kaya nag-expect na talaga ako. Hinintay ko na siya buong araw sa dorm. Pagdating niya, andun pa sina Lance pero ayun umalis na rin siya. GRABE YUNG FEELING. Kakaiba talaga. Parang ang tagal naming hindi nagkita. Parang di ko na siya kilala. Hahahaha. Oa. Pero ayun, yung moment na lumapit na siya sakin ang hugged me from behind.. Sobrang hindi ako makapaniwala na totoo na talaga. Hindi na panaginip. Bumalik na si ming sakin.

He hugged me. Pagharap ko, ihuhug ko lang dapat siya pero nagkiss na kami. Haha. I missed that lips. Then nag-usap na kami. We had this conve of our own realizations. Lalo na yung kanya. Sabi niya, ako lang daw talaga yung mahal niya. Mahal daw niya ako na walang halong doubts and all. Di na raw niya kaya patagalin pa ang di namin pagkikita lalo na't maglolong weekend pa.

One of the best moments para sakin, yung hiningi niya yung iloveyou ko. Matagal na raw kasi niya hindi naririnig sakin yun. And so I said it.

"Iloveyou~"

Yesterday's event was amazing. It's because I really did miss him a lot. 9 days without my ming? It wasn't not that easy! But I like to thank you God for being there for me always though things fell apart. Kung wala Ka, hindi ko na alam kung saan ko pupulutin ang sarili ko. Thank you kasi ginamit mong instruments para maging masaya ako kahit papano yung mga kapatid at kaibigan ko. They were a big help. :)

Now he's back, syempre masaya ako. Pero syempre andon parin yung takot ko na baka mangyari ulit. Kaya sa totoo lang, hindi pa naman ako fully nagtitiwala sakanya. Pero siya na nga mismo nagsabi na tuturuan daw niya ulit ako magmahal at hinding hindi na niya ako iiwan.

I really hope so, ming. Kasi promise, once mangyari ulit lahat to, hindi na mistake.. Choice mo na yun, baby. :)

God, I pray na kayo at kayo parin ang maging center ng relationship namin. Please always guide us. Through good and bad, help us to surpass it all. Thank you so much.

When You Do

We're not in good terms ngayon. Bukas, isang linggo na rin ang lumipas simula nakipagbreak siya sakin. Hanggang ngayon, everytime na iisipin ko.. Masakit parin. Kasi hindi ko talaga maintindihan at biglaan sakin lahat ng nangyare. He said he wanted to grow up and all. Maybe he was protecting me for some reason pero wala eh, ang sakit sakit parin na nagdecide siyang iwan ako after all.

Since that day, hindi na kami nag-uusap katulad ng dati na maya't maya talaga. Magtetext siya pag namiss niya ako bigla o kaya pag nag-aalala siya. Ako naman si etong reply ng reply kahit alam kong di tama yon for the moment kasi duhhhh, break nga kami diba?

Pero these days, palagi nya pinapa-alala sakin na babalik daw siya. Hinahanda lang niya yung sarili niya at pagbalik niya, hinding hindi na raw niya ako pakakawalan. Sa totoo lang, thise words make me stronger each day. Yung mga random tawag niya para ipaala sakin na andiyan parin siya, yung mga random texts niya.. Lahat ng yon, napapawala in a way yung galit at lungkot ko. Hindi ko man pinapakita sakanya yon, pero I'm really thankful parin kasi hindi siya yung tipong iniwan lang talaga ako sa ere.

Sa ngayon, ganon parin kami. Onting usap. Kagabi nga, sinabi niya sakin na gusto raw niya ako palage kausap. Rh pano naman yon, edi wala rin pala yung nangyare nung Monday? Haha. I know ming na pinagsisisihan mo na talaga.. Pero alam mo, hinihintay lang naman talaga kita bumalik sakin. Kasi para sakin, yun ang sign na talagang gusto mo na. Ikaw na rin mismo ang nagsabi sakin.

All I can do is wait for you to come back. And I promise, when you do.. I will forget the past, smile more, and be happy again with you.

I read this almost everyday. But now, I don't see its meaning anymore.

"Ming~ one year na nakalipas since nung pumayag kang manligaw ako sayo. :). Sobrang tagal narin pero parang dumaan lang nu ming? XD. Yung moment na um-oo ka nun ming, kung alam mo lang kung gano ako kasaya nun. :D. And from that moment, snbi ko sa sarili ko na papatunayan ko sayo na worth ako para sayo. Ayun. Dumaan yung mga months, unteunte akong mas nafall sayo ming. ^____^. Mas nakilala kita. Mas minahal ko kung anong meron tayo. Mas naintindihan ko kung anong nararamdaman ko para sayo. :). Ayun. Dumaan pa ung mga months, di kn na namalayan na ang dami na pala nateng nagawang memories ming. Imba. :))). At ayun, mas minahal pa kita ming. :DD. Hee~ hanggang dumating tayo sa araw na to. :). One year na ming yet ganito parin tayo. Walang nangiwan. :D. Thankyou ming! :). Thankyou sa lahat lahat. :D. Thankyou sa pagiging bestfriend ko ming~ thankyou sa pagpili sakin at sa pagmamahal na bnibigay mo kay ming. ^_____^."

"Ming~ ung kantang pinarinig ko sayo kanina.. Andun na lahat ng gusto ko sabhin sayo. Yung mga nararamdaman ko. :). Pakinggan mo yun lagi ming ne? :D. At ne, totoo yun lahat ming. ^___^. Ginagawa ko lahat to kasi mahal kita. :). Hmm. Wag ka magalala ne ming? Hndi ako titigil kahit kailan pa. Di ko sasayangin lahat. Kasi alam kong iririsk mo lahat para dito ming. Wag ka magalala, sasaluhin ka naman ni ming kahit ano mangyari. :D. Tska naiintindihan ko kung bakit tayo naghihintay ming. :). Hmm. Sguro bnibuild pa ni Lord ung foundation para mas maging strong tayo sa future. :D. Ming~ di tayo magpapatibag sa mga problemang yan. Aniyooo. Di ko hahayaan yun. :). Ming~ Aabangan ko yung araw na magiging tayo na. ^___^. Tapos.. Ayun. Di na matatapos. :3. XD. Haha. Di ko narin mapiktyur na ndi ikaw ung magiging future ko ming eh. :)). Hmm. I'm here to stay ming. :). Kaya wag ka magalala ne? :D. Hmm. ^____^. Thankyou sa 2011 ming~ >:D<. Mas wawagas pa tayo sa 2012. >:D. Haha. XD. Hmm..

Iloveyou ming~ :)."

":(. Ming~ gusto ko lang ule magsorry sa lahat ng mga pahirap ko sayo. Sa mga pagpapabigat ng pakiramdam mo, sa times na ako yung dahilan ng pagiyak at pagkalungkot mo. Sorry ming sa lahat ng yun. :(. Thankyou for keeping up with all of that. You could have just walked away ming, pero aniyo. You stayed ming. And thankyou dun. Siguro lang talaga, nagkukulang ako ibigay yung naeexpect mong dapat gawin ko. Ako yung mali ming.. Bilang boyfriend mo, yun dapat yung goal ko. Yun lang. Yung mapasaya, alagaan at mahalin ka ng sobra. Maraming taong pwede gumawa nun sayo ming, pero ako yung pinili mo. Hmm.. Inaamin ko naman na medyo nasasakal ako minsan ming. Sa dami ng mga expectations mo sakin. Pero narealize ko, part yun lahat ng relationship na pinasok ko. Naisip ko ming, kung ndi ko aayusin ang sarili ko, mawawala ka sakin. :(. Yet, ayun ung bagay na ayaw na ayaw ko mangyari. Pag nangyari yun, ewan ko nalang ming. :(.
"Minggu! Happy new year! :D. Thankyou for giving me so so so so so much happiness nung 2012! <3. I want you to know that you are one of the main reasons why I could tell that year 2012, was indeed a meaningful year. It's because YOU ARE IN IT, ming. Hope you'll be with me too all thoughout 2013. Iloveyousomuch baby! :* - Me to Ming"

"How could I forget 2012 ming? It's the year that you became mine. :). I won't ever ever forget the past year. And I hope that we would be stronger this 2013. Iloveyousomuchmore baby! :*. - Ming"

"Hmmm. Alam kong naiisip mo parin yung kanina ming. Tandaan mo lang yung mga sinabi ko ming ne? :). I would never leave you ever ming. Not for stupid reasons. Never kong igigiveup lahat ng pinaghirapan natin para ibuild yung relationship natin. Never. Never ever. Kaya ayun. Wag ka magalala baby. Iloveyousooooomuch! >:)<. Di ka iiwan ni ming. :**. - Ming"

I just don't understand.

God, right now.. I'm not so sure anymore. He's halfway out the door. He said he loves me, but he wants to let me go. I don't understand, ming. If you don't love me anymore.. Just tell me. Don't left me hanging.. Don't left me giving me the assurance that you'll still come back though you already planned not to.

What did I do wrong? Did I become too demanding? Did I become too controlling? Did I become someone you don't want to be with anymore?

I really don't understand things anymore. I've sacrificed almost everything just to make sure that this relationship will still work. But right now, I don't know where it's going...

Iloveyou, you know that. That's why I'm really hurt right now.. Really hurt..

Ayoko mawala at masayang ang lahat.

Sa relasyon namin ngayon, hindi ko na talaga alam kung sino ang mali samin. Siguro dalawa kami, pero hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang dahilan bakit nagiging ganto na.

Una sa lahat, AYOKO MAWALA TO. Mas dodoble pa sa sakit ng nararamdaman ko ngayon pag nangyari yon. Sa totoo lang, ok naman kami ngayon. Pero may something talaga na di' tama. :(.

Naisip ko lang, anong nangyari? Sino ba ang nagkamali samin? Ako ba o siya? Gusto ko talaga mafigure-out yun kasi kung magpapatuloy to, mawawala ang relationship na to.

Sa side ko, napapansin ko nga na masyado na talaga akong demanding sakanya. Masyado na akong clingy to the point na parang di na siya masaya sakin. Sorry.. Sorry kung ganon ako. Pero wag ka mag-alala, mas magigung maingat ako. Gusto ko na rin bumalik sa dating Jan. Yung Jan na minahal mo noon. Yung Jan na gustong gusto mo mapasayo. Yung Jan na yon.. Hahanapin at ibabalik ko para sayo.

May solusyon sa lahat ng bagay lalo na pag gusto mo talaga maayos. Gusto kong maayos to at hindi ibalewala. Kaya naka-isip ako ng solusyon.. At yun ay magbago.

Things are starting to get better now. :)

So yeah, the title says it all. I'm really happy that I can actually change the way I am before. The one who always scolds and demands. Right now, I believe that those attitudes of mine lessens in a way that we don't fight often anymore unlike the past weeks. Gahhhhh, those days were a disaster! Hope it doesn't happen again.

I am thankful that at least right now I already know what attitudes are supposed to avoid, what feelings are not supposed to have, and what things are not supposed to make a big deal out of it. I know that already though not all of it. I'm gonna learn all of it someday. At least right now I'm really trying and I gotta say, it's not that hard. It somehow becomes a normal deed for me.

As my header on twitter says... Hold on, God knows what he's doing. :)

The good thing about our relationship is that we always find a way to work things out because of the good foundation we had before things got real. That's the reason why I keep holding on even though my heart has been broken many times because of him. I'm not being blind, no. I just know that he loves me no matter what.

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"In every fight that we have, just hold on if you still think that it's worth it." - Janeeva Verceles

"Bad things happen for a reason and it is just temporary. Don't make decisions that may lead to regret." - Janeeva Verceles

Weird night.

Nakakainis, nakakainis talaga. Napakalakas ng topak ko ngayon to the point na nainis na siya sakin. :(. Lahat to nagsimula na naman sa laro niya. That's why I hate that game. Palaging panggulo. Well yun ang para sakin. Alam ko namang sakanya, hindi. :/

Dahil dun tinopak na ako at ininis ko siya. Lahat na ginawa ko para mainis siya. Grabe, napakasama kong girlfriend. Nasabi ko pa na tumigil na siya sa paglalaro niya. Pero di niya kaya igive-up yun alam ko. Alam ko talaga yun. Haaaaay. Ok lang. Di ko naman talaga dapat siya pinipigilan sa mga bagay na gusto niyang gawin.

Ngayon, ok na kami. Nagsorry ako sakanya. Ako naman kasi talaga ang malakas ang tama dito. Ako talaga yun.

Sorry if I acted very weird earlier. Pose, tinopak lang talaga ako. I'm not like this. (_ _).

Totally not.

Hope things will get way better tomorrow.